Ok, I admit it. I’m a little late to the party with this zombie apocalypse thing. Its mostly because I don’t ‘do’ scary stuff, and I think zombies are really silly and would smell terrible.
I mean, really, the fact that zombies are just mindless walking meat-sacks means they are incredibly vulnerable to heat, cold, and continued decomposition. LOGIC!! I love logic. I’ll be honest, you’d have to be really stupid to succumb to a zombie infestation, and that, children, is what we call ‘natural selection.’
However, for kicks and giggles, I shall play along. Let’s assume something close to the whole ‘Walking Dead’ universe. No – I don’t watch ‘The Walking Dead’ – why would you even ask that? Logic aside, I like to sleep at night, and gross stuff tends to set my already overactive imagination to ’eminent core meltdown.’
Its not like my husband and I have ever had long conversations about the best weapons to utilize, should the whole zombie thing come to pass. (Just for reference – my money’s on this one)
That, my friends, is a naginata. Razor sharp 18 inch blade on top of a 5-6 foot staff. Combination pole arm (good for maintaining distance, equalizer in combat) and bladed weapon (good for beheadings and stuff). Quiet. Does not need ammunition. Staff end can be used for non-beheading attack. At least, that’s what I would say if I had ever given any thought to it. Which, of course, I have not. . . . .
Hey look! I learned to include pictures in blog posts!
Ok, back to the matter at hand.
The key to surviving our theoretical zombie apocalypse is really on the people you have with you. Its survival time, not fluffy bunny warm and fuzzy time. I could say something about how ordinary people do extraordinary things in extraordinary circumstances, and blah blah blah. Not here! Go watch Nightline or something.
I’m reviewing the chances of a few of our ‘favorite’ television personalities, and whether or not I’m going to keep them around, when the zombies make their move. I put ‘favorite’ in ‘quotations’ because a few of these are just one good-quality publicist away from being on the Jersey Shore. Note: the Jersey Shore did not make the list, because I’m pretty sure they’ve already been overrun.
Speaking of which.
A Kardashian: These are interchangeable to me, so take your pick. My dearest wish is that the world will collectively just stop paying attention to these people (seriously!!! WHAT DO THEY DO?????). How would they fare in the zombie apocalypse? Honestly, they’ll be the first to go. They’ll see media reporters filming the zombie horde, and they will fling themselves in front of that same camera because they can’t help themselves. Bam! Zombiefied. How do you tell a zombie Kardashian from a regular Kardashian? No idea – I assume the live ones smell better, so I’d go with that.
Those guys from ESPN College Gameday: Basic understanding of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as comes to strategy. Extensive knowledge of athletics and athletic maneuvers (I’m talking about football, not shifting your undergarments, guys). Easily distracted by miniscule mistakes and lengthy explanations of how things could have gone, what went wrong, and the teams statistics. For the record: ‘number of zombies killed in two-on-one situations when its raining on a Friday and the temperature is above 70 degrees’ is not rational. If the zombies don’t get you – your team members will.
Alex Trebek: Constantly flustered by knowing the information, but having no means of applying it in practice. I’m sorry, Alex, that is incorrect, you must phrase your answer in the form of a question. You should have said ‘What is ‘AHHHHH! HELP! THEY’RE COMING!’
Zac, Nick, and Aaron from Ghost Adventures: Hmmm. Act tough, devote career to finding evidence of the supernatural. Freak out when actually find any evidence of the supernatural. Not putting money on your chances, fellas.
Wow, its not looking so good. Who else can I scout around for?
Mariah Carey: Super diva behavior, not huge in the ‘brains’ department. On the surface, this one is an easy ‘no.’ However, you have to factor in the super sonic zombie-crushing voice weapon. Oh, and I’m pretty sure she’s one broken nail away from a full on crazy spree where she would stomp a whole battalion of zombies into dust with her pointy, pointy shoes. I’ll let her tag along, but I’m pretty sure the team will eventually trick her into going to look for berries, and then high-tail it out of there.
Bear Grylls (a.k.a. that guy from Man Vs. Wild). Killer survival skills. Check. Complete and utter disregard for personal safety. Check. This guy is on my team. I’m pretty sure he’ll get taken down eventually but hopefully not before he teaches us which berries will kill us and which will just give us the runs. Probably when trying to build a zipline across the forest out of twine, his belt, pine sap, and woven chest hair.
Pete Nelson (Treehouse Masters): Totally on my team. No killer instinct. Has not, to date, shown evidence of any kind of survival skills. Extremely likeable. Can build a ‘Swiss Family Robinson’ style tree fortress for us in less than 2 weeks. You are in, Pete Nelson. Try not to get too distracted hugging trees.
Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters: I pick you! I pick you! Extensive knowledge of science (and explosives). Methodical. Ability to improvise (I saw these guys build a mechanized weapon out of stuff in a completely ordinary lumberyard, including ammunition). I’m pretty sure Jamie’s prehensile mustache serves as an additional sensory organ as well. All the better. Jamie’s a bit more solid and serious. Adam’s a bit more imaginative, yet still competent. Both of them can help rein in Bear Grylls, who is doubtless already diving headfirst into something without checking. We need science and fabrication on our side, and these guys are the real deal. I think they will fare extremely well, and I will be there to see it.
Now, some of you are thinking ‘what about friends and family?’ That’s a whole different blog post people. Since I don’t want to make any parties or holiday gatherings uncomfortable for all involved, a blog post that will remain in my head for all eternity. Let’s just assume that those that make the cut are included when I say ‘my team,’ and leave it at that.
JUST LEAVE IT OK?
Anyways. . . . . I’ve got to go find a place in the greater Cedar Rapids area that offers naginata lessons.
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