I just love me my scary movies. That is a lie of course, but they haven’t invented a sarcasm font yet. I hate horror movies. Even ‘sort of horror/sort of comedy’ movies. I just hate them. I’ve only ever seen 3 scary movies in my whole life. I believe that is three too many, by the way – as I would happily erase those events from my memory.
My first horror movie was ‘I know what you did last summer.’ I think I was a sophomore in college. My friends made me. We were over at another friend’s dorm, so we went to leave at midnight after the movie, and the elevator went up instead of down, and when the doors opened no one was there. Then it stopped again on the 2nd floor and no one was there. Then it stopped on the ground floor and we ran for our lives until we were locked safely in our own dorm room.
The second was ‘Final Destination.’ I went with a friend on night off when I worked at camp. It was about 14 years ago and I’m still ticked about it.
The third one was ‘The Ring.’ My boyfriend at the time made me watch this one with other friends. Then he fell asleep! HE FELL ASLEEP AND DIDN’T PROTECT ME FROM THE SCARY MOVIE!!!!! It was horrible. I was freaked out for weeks (months. maybe years). Luckily at the time I only had a tiny 13 inch TV in my apartment, so I could happily squash my fears by imagining that freaky ghost lady getting stuck halfway out and then struggling like an upside-down turtle. Still makes me smile. But the point I was originally making was that this dude MADE ME WATCH IT, and did not stay awake. Since we were at someone else’s house, I couldn’t even ask to turn it off. Needless to say, he did not keep his boyfriend status. Mostly because I married him, but I still bring it up from time to time. ‘Oh honey, I forgot you don’t really like this meal. Remember that time you forgot to stay awake even though you know I hate scary movies? Yeah, I thought so. Eat it and shut up.’
That last one was about 12 years ago. As you can see, I have a LOOOOONG memory regarding things that scar me psychologically with their scary-ness. Then I decided I’d had enough and wouldn’t do it anymore. And I won’t. Except for some reason I’m completely addicted to ghost hunting shows. I LOVE Ghost Hunters. I like Ghost Adventures. My favorite is Dead Files. LOVE IT! That makes absolutely no sense. I usually still have to read the descriptions, though, and if they talk about child ghosts, I skip that episode because I enjoy sleeping at night. One time I was watching a show that did talk about a place that was potentially haunted by a child, and it was late and my house was dark. I went up to get a glass of water, turned around, and see the silhouette of a child at the top of the stairs!!! So I shriek and wet myself just a little bit, and the creepy ghost child says ‘Mommy, I need to go to the bathroom.’ Oh, hi Owen. Mom will come up and help you as soon as my heart starts beating and I have a chance to change my drawers.
Now, I am also an intensely curious person, so I still like to know stuff, just not see it. Also, because I’m an American, and if one thing American’s do well, its take something popular and cram it down the public’s throat until its not even a little bit fun anymore. Often with a plethora of really bad rip-offs tailing along.
So, first came the vampires. I think it started with ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer.’ Surprise surprise – I never watched that show. I know! Can you believe it. You see, of all the freaky things out there, vampires have always freaked me out the most. Until I turned 30. Now, things like bed bugs (real ones), creepy vans, unemployment, and dolls have taken over. Anyways. Vampires were the big thing, and for some reason they are sexy. Why? No idea. I’ve never really understood it, but it goes all the way back to Bram Stoker. Then, around 2005, the first ‘Twilight’ book came out. Oddly enough – I did read and enjoy these. The writing may not be perfect, but I enjoyed the story. Then, of course, the vampire stories started multiplying. Like Bed Bugs. You know what? Talk amongst yourselves for a few minutes while I bathe in bleach. Be right back.
Thank you for your patience. And while I’m at it – twilight linked vampires and werewolves. So they’re together in this.
If I told you I would give you a million dollars to walk into Barnes and Noble and bring me 27 different vampire-themed novels in under 2 minutes, to this day you would be able to. I do not have a million dollars, but if anyone who does have an unnecessary million wants to challenge me to do this, I accept. However, I would have to ultimately say that vampires have sucked the market dry (you see what I did there?).
Then the zombies shambled in. Gross. Seriously. I don’t think they have as many books though, because teenage girls don’t find zombies sexy. It might be all the decomposing. I suspect it is anyways. Movies and TV have happily filled the gap however. So. many. movies. My husband happens to like ‘The Walking Dead.’ I’ve never seen it. Why? Because it is scary and gross and I can watch the Food Network in the other room. Since Matt watches it, I still ask him to give me the rundown and we can discuss it. Its a way for us to share one of his interests with out the aforementioned psychological scarring. It seems like every one of these discussions ends with me shouting ‘BUT THAT’S NOT LOGICAL!’ Seriously – they make up rules for their little world, and then promptly break them. Who knows anymore. I am pretty sure that zombies are reaching the end of their eminence at the top of the horror movie hierarchy. And then the TV and movie world can compose their eulogy (or maybe decompose – you see what I did there?).
So? What’s going to be the next big thing? I have a few ideas.
1. Swamp creature. Lacks the sexy quality of vampires, but is very smelly and gross like zombies. Shows potential. Als0, by featuring shows or movies in the swamp means swamp people. The stories write themselves.
2. Mummies. Ok, I know there were some Mummy movies a couple years ago – and I really liked them! Except the third one, that was dumb. But mummies never really achieved mainstream success. Their time may have come, just a couple thousand years late. Its a wrap! BWAHAHAHAHAHA. (you see what I did there).
3. Medicaid Auditors. (shudders).
4. Aliens. No, not sexy aliens. Regular aliens.
5. ManBearPig. I think it may be his time.
6. Sheepsquatch. Half man, half sheep. Its a real thing. Google it – I dare you. Monster plus rednecks plus guns = quality entertainment.
7. Dolls. Not like Chucky, though. Way creepier than that. Not as creepy as life-sized talking clown dolls though.
8. Life-sized talking clown dolls. You know what? I’m just going to go curl up in the fetal position for a little while. Don’t mind me.
I don’t even know why I care, I’m not going to watch any of it anyways. I think I’ll go read a story about princesses for a little bit.
If this didn’t cause you psychological scarring, then LIKE and SHARE. Its the right thing to do.