Monsters

Ok, y’all.  It is time to tell you about one of my very most favorite shows ever.

Deep Breath.

 

Oooooh, its so good.  So, so good.

Disclaimer: It is ESSENTIAL that you do not take this seriously.  I mean, take my love for this show seriously – because it is super serious.  But the show you must watch purely for entertainment.  And it is amazing.  Also I’ve only watched the first 3-4 seasons.  Then they started some ‘other team’ nonsense and I just want to watch the monsters.

So, what’s the deal?  This show is about professional hillbillies.  Let that sink in a minute.  PROFESSIONAL HILLBILLIES.  Sigh.  I’m already on board.

So these professional hillbillies (squeeeeee!) run around West Virginia hunting down these ‘Mountain Monsters’ (do you get it?  Its the name of the show, and there are monsters in the mountains.  Get it?!?!?!?!)

Let’s go through the cast of characters:

This guy is Trapper.  He’s in charge.  His beard gets longer and more grizzled over the seasons in what I can only assume is marketing screaming ‘MORE HILLBILLY.’  He’s sort of reasonable, but is very easily convinced that everything is proof.

This is Huckleberry.  He’s billed as ‘security’ but I am not really sure what that means.  He appears to be wearing his grandma’s hat and I really wish he lived next door to me because I’m pretty sure he’s the kind of guy who would sneak my dog hotdogs and I would take him cookies.  He’s the biggest (probably how he ended up security), so sometimes they make him stand where the monsters were sited for size comparison.  One time he had to take his boots off and compare his feet to the bigfoot prints.

This is Jeff.  He is the researcher of the group.  He uses words like ‘bipedal’ and confuses everyone.  Then they laugh at him.  He uses a thermal camera instead of a gun, and catches exactly NOTHING with it.

Buck is a little bit of a puzzle.  He’s a solid generation younger than everyone else, and a self-described ‘husky ninja.’  I think he’s gunning for Trapper’s job.  He uses full sentences.

Willy is the ‘trap builder.’  He builds an elaborate trap every episode to catch the monster.  Custom designed and full of redneck ingenuity.  I bet in high school he was voted ‘Most Likely to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse.’

How do I describe Wild Bill?  Well, he’s Willy’s assistant in trap building – which also means I’m pretty sure Willy is his ‘handler.’  Wild Bill is crazy in a mostly harmless way and I’m pretty sure I would also take him cookies if he lived in the neighborhood.  He’s good to have around if you need someone to climb your trees with a chainsaw.

So that’s the team.

Now for the monsters.  I’m not going to show them all, but these are genuine screen shots from the show.  I know because I remember seeing them.

The Bloodless Howler

Sheepsquatch (Sheepsquatch!!!!!!!)

Mothman.  Now this one is interesting.  The townsfolk take Mothman really, really (really) seriously.  How seriously?

Oh, just a statue in town.  But wait!  There’s more!

Christmas ornaments of the statue in the town!!!

It’s never to early to think of Stocking Stuffers!

So here’s how it goes.  The show usually starts with 3-4 members of the team (usually not including Willy or Wild Bill) are in a truck driving to the new location.  Trapper lays out what monster we are looking for.  Jeff interjects with his research.  We get one of the awesome images seen above as a reference.

We visit Witness #1.  This is generally some kind of landowner who has seen this thing.  He describes it and takes the team to where he saw it (this is where Huckleberry sometimes has to go pretend to be the monster).

Next!  We visit Witness #2.  He often has a name like Boon-doggy or Racoon.  He is generally wearing camo or buffalo plaid, or both.  He has a trail cam photo of the beast.  It is most definitely not altered in any way.

Then!  We visit Witness #3.  He’s usually cut from the same cloth as Witness #2, but not always.  He’s generally been running around on his four-wheeler and captured video.  VIDEO!  Terrible video that is also MOST DEFINITELY NOT ALTERED!

Willy and Wild Bill are informed, and they begin work on the trap.  Anytime Wild Bill speaks-  pay attention.

**At some point commercials will come on.  At least one will be absolutely aimed at Doomsday Preppers.  You will be offered a year’s supply of food that will keep for 700 years.  Its expensive but I kind of want to buy it anyways. 

Night one: Tracking the monster.  They will find a track.  It was made by pressing a mold into the dirt.  They will likely find a pile of brush.  It is now a nest.  Sounds, running around.  Awesome.

Night two: The Hunt.  These hillbillies are described as expert hunters.  Now, I am not doubting that, but I am saying they aren’t necessarily using their skills.  I’m pretty sure roaring through the woods on Side-by-Sides (Golf cart and four wheeler have a baby) yelling at the top of your lungs is not common hunting technique.  They chase the monster to the trap.

The trap fails epically.  They conclude they are successful anyways (BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO).

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I created a score card for viewing episodes.  Its really designed to compare episodes – but you could also make it into bingo for endless fun.

Mountain Monsters Viewing Score Sheet

Episode:____________________________________________

  • Eye witness with weird name
  • Eye witness wearing camo
  • Wild Bill mentions being a marine
  • Wild Bill gets subtitled
  • Wild Bill calls someone ‘brother’
  • Clearly altered ‘footage’ accepted as excellent evidence
  • Someone says ‘I see ________’ because they see movement, as if this is a fact
  • Fake tracks
  • Trapper makes Buck do something awkward or uncomfortable, everyone laughs
  • They find ‘the nest’
  • Willy says ‘I’ve never made a trap like this before’
  • Wild Bill says ‘I am a weapon’ (counts double if subtitled)
  • Wild Bill climbs something unsafely
  • Someone yells as if there is actual danger
  • Trap fails to catch anything
  • Trap catches something, they won’t show us what
  • Buck crack
  • ‘We ain’t alone in these woods’
  • Guns are fired
  • Wild Bill says ‘Hoo-ah’
  • ‘It sounded big’
  • Eye witness says ‘I’ve never seen anything like it’
  • Moonshine reference
  • Jeff uses terminology no one else understands
  • Will Bill says ‘We’re gonna throw some rounds down range.’
  • Team decides they have scared the creature away forever.
  • ‘We’re closin’ in on ‘im!’
  • ‘This is going to be dangerous.’
  • Trapper says, ‘I’ve never seen anything like it.’
  • Someone mentions ‘the holler.’
  • Trapper suddenly decides there is more than one monster.
  • Trapper ends episode claiming they have ‘proven’ the existence, despite no actual evidence or proof.

Bonus 1000 points: They actually catch and show the thing they are trying to catch.

Second Disclaimer: Do NOT turn this into a drinking game.  You will definitely die.

 

Definitely watch Mountain Monsters.

Like and share my friends.  Don’t hide this knowledge under a basket.

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