Key West: An Abbreviated Travel Journal

Greetings!  So its been a while since I’ve written anything, but hey!  Life’s been busy and the Publisher’s Clearinghouse people haven’t found my house yet, so I still go to work every day.

Except last week, when I totally didn’t.

Because last week was.


Duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh.




4 Days in beautiful and sunny Key West!


You know where this mural is?  Its on the side of this dumpy little shack called the Cuban Coffee Queen.  I know this because I spent a LOT of time at the Cuban Coffee Queen and if you ever go to Key West, you should too.  Ok, so the guy called me ‘Sweetheart’ often enough to make Matt look like he had a pufferfish in his undershorts, but hey – that’s how they roll!

Ok, since I figure I’m pretty much an expert on Key West now (4 DAYS), I’m going to give you all the low-down.  You know, the inside scoop.  I know stuff man.

First of all, there’s this place.

whistle bar

Just one of the many bars on Duval (which is Key West’s version of Beale Street (Memphis) or Bourbon Street (New Orleans)).  Oh, except for one little thing.  Clothing optional upstairs.  Woo hoo?  And no, before you ask, we did not stumble in by accident (or on purpose).  There was a handy sign.


You know, so we could point and snicker like 7th graders.  Don’t laugh, I’ll tell you where it is, just head South on Greene until you hit Duval, then turn left and walk till you see it.  I know you’re out there taking notes.

Ok, and some local color!  Like this fellow.  Affectionately known as the ‘Sponge Man.’  So adorable!


He’s so cute!  And he’s really, truly there as a tourist attraction, not to, you know, suck out your soul or anything.  (He totally sucks out your soul, but that’s not why here’s there.)  And!  He’s got a brother a few blocks away!  Awesome!  Almost like he’s following you.

(Holy crap, I think he was following us).

And no visit to Key West would be complete without a visit to the Southernmost Point in the USA.  Hmmm, how will we ever find it?


Oh hey!  I’ll bet that’s it.  Heeeeyyyyy, wait a second.  I see a problem here.

That problem is. . . .

smost with arrow

See that corner?  Its clearly more ‘Southernmost’ than the ‘Southernmost Point.’

Here, I took a better picture.

southernmost southernmost point

Behold!  The majestic ‘Southernmost Point’ in the USA!

Ok, except for that other point off to the side with the giant golf ball on it.  Apparently, the government has a gigantic listening device on a spit of land that is actually slightly more southern than the ‘Southernmost Point’ or even the ‘Actual Southernmost Point.’  Which just goes to show once again that ‘government reality’ and ‘the rest of us reality’ aren’t usually the same thing.  I didn’t mention this out loud down there on account of the giant golf-ball listening device.

There are actually some cool sights near the ‘Southernmost Point.’  For example, the ‘Southernmost House.’  Google it.  No wait, don’t leave me.  Here, I have a picture.


I didn’t really take this picture, the Google did.  Because its taken from out on the ocean, and I can’t walk on the water.

You know what I found just to the side of this house?  In a sort of ‘southerly’ direction?

You guessed it!


That’s right!  Another house!  And apparently, they are a little peeved about the whole thing.  Peeved enough to create a plaque, and then post it on their fence.  I bet neighborhood block parties are pretty awkward. . . .

Ok, I did say this was an abbreviated travel-logue, and this is getting kind of long.  Here’s some short pointers.

  • Sloppy Joe’s is a cool bar where Hemmingway hung out.  Its really loud there.
  • Key Lime pie is disgusting.  Seriously – gross.  (Ok, my opinion.  Some people think its good).
  • The $5 t-shirt/hat/bag/dress/shorts and the $15 t-shirt/hat/bag/dress/shorts are EXACTLY THE SAME.
  • Cuban Coffee Queen.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • TOP NOTCH PEOPLE WATCHING.  This really cannot be overstated.  Matt and I had to start developing a new version of Humanity Bingo.
  • If you go to the beach, you may see an old guy wearing a swimming suit that looks like a cross between a coin purse and a pair of suspenders.  Tell him we said ‘hi.’
  • Its actually really safe there.  Despite all the drunk people, we only saw one confrontation, and that was a guy trying to pick a fight with a police office, who was calmly not participating in his fun.
  • Do NOT feed the iguanas.
  • There are lots and lots of chickens.  If you don’t see them, you’ll hear ’em.
  • If you take young children, be prepared to explain a lot of things you thought would wait a few more years.
  • Do not go to Key West during something called ‘Fantasy Fest’ in late October.  Wonder why?  Google it – I dare you.  I don’t post those kinds of pictures.

You will also see lots of these signs:


Don’t worry, no one pays attention, and literally no one cares.

See you there next time!

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