Hey There, Howdy, Good Morning and Good Evening!
I can’t help but notice that New Year’s Eve is almost upon us. I know you are all wondering what fabulous star-studded event I’ve been asked to attend this year? I mean, super-awesome part-time bloggers and full-time regular people must get tons of A-List invitations, right?
Oh, most definitely. This year, I selected the most impressive one. The one that includes the hubs, my couch, sweatpants (naturally), and a glass of wine. Possibly a movie or a marathon of Treehouse Masters. Bedtime well before midnight, because we’re fancy like that. Sounds pretty sweet to me.
I understand that most people like to ‘go out’ for New Year’s Eve. I suppose that’s fine too (they frown on it if you wear sweatpants, though). I tend to be a fairly low-key soul.
What’s the other ‘big deal?’ New Year’s Resolutions.
I’m pretty sure that 90% of resolutions fall into some form of ‘Get healthier’ ‘Eat better’ and ‘Construct a real working model of the Solar System out of cheese and glitter.’
There’s a statistic somewhere that I’m too lazy to look up about how many of those resolutions are toast by end of January. Its a lot. But really – there are no consequences! ‘I said I was going to go to the gym, but I don’t go to the gym and no one knows but me and my bank account where the gym dues keep coming out anyways.’ Not bad enough. Also not original. I mean – you SHOULD go to the gym, as you will be healthier and feel better. But stop making resolutions about it. Just go do it.
I have taken the guesswork out of good New Year’s Resolutions. (Hooray!) Here are your options:
1. Stop being a Republican. Or a Democrat. Its time to be an Independent. As in ‘Independent Thinker.’ That’s right! You have to think for yourself for a whole year, without blindly following the rhetoric of a political group (note: any political group). You may find yourself agreeing with one or the other pretty frequently – but do it because you had an actual thought in your head, please.
– Consequence for each instance of ‘blind following’: Watch 2 hours of Fox News. Record each statement made. Fact check, citing your sources, with alternate explanations and points of view (also with cited sources). Record a reading of your results on YouTube.
2. Sing Karaoke – one time – during the year. Get over yourself and realize a little mild embarrassment is hardly the worst thing in the world. The sooner you have fun with it, the sooner you realize that if you are laughing, its not actually embarrassing anymore.
– Consequence: Ok, I really want to do karaoke, so one of you needs to come with me. Its more fun with friends. Sometimes its also Wing Night, and wings are delicious. My husband does a great rendition of ‘The Greatest Country-Western Song’ and he can’t sing AT ALL.
3. Stop posting mean things online just to get a rise out of people, or because you are just so fascinated by how your own mean, judgmental opinion looks when typed out. (AKA ‘being a troll’). Now, I know no one who reads the silly crap I write would ever do this – but if you do, seriously you need to stop. It does actually make you a horrible person.
– Consequence: Each mean comment gets you assigned to scooper duty at the dog park. Except instead of a scooper, you have to use your hands. And instead of a dog park its really a emu farm. And the emus have been eating Indian Food. Don’t be caught with emu curry poo on your hands. Be nice people!
4. Buy a book written by me, as soon there is one, but you may have to be a little patient.
– Consequence: You will be so very happy with your new book (so would a LOT of children, if you also bought the book for them – just sayin’), and totally sad if you don’t have one. The sadness is a pretty horrible consequence (almost in line with the emu curry poo thing). Why would you deny yourself that happiness?
5. Use ‘your, you’re, there, their, and they’re’ CORRECTLY for a whole year.
– Consequence: Each misdeed gets you a volunteer day in the cat room at the humane society. On bath day.
6. Compliment someone every day. Its a nice thing to do – and it helps keep us from constantly negatively comparing others to ourselves in order to feel better. Why not compliment someone, honestly, and BOTH feel better?
– Consequence: Each time you run someone down who did nothing to deserve it, buy them a new pair of shoes. Not because you are going to go ‘walk a mile in their shoes’ – no, that’s silly, they probably don’t wear the same size as you, and its cold out. No. Because new shoes are awesome, and you need to practice making people feel awesome.
7. Stop reposting ‘news’ stories on social media without checking to see if they have any basis in reality. Just take your righteous indignation and cool it the heck down.
– Consequence: Each repost (or righteously indignant comment) that has not been fact checks gets you 24 hours as the Quirk and Logic channel on Facebook. That’s right. Every hour for 24 hours, you must post and only post awesome ‘Shares’ from your favorite blog, Quirk and Logic. Also just stop doing this because it makes you look ridiculous.
8. Buy a blogger a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug.
– Consequence: My husband won’t get me one and I really want one.
Ok, seriously – there’s no magic equation to the perfect New Year’s resolution. Just be nice to yourself, and to others. Care a little about other people. Remember that the internet is actually made up of other people too (like, with faces and stuff. Maybe even feelings). Do at least one nice thing for someone every day – even if its just providing an honest compliment. Know your own worth without having to try to make someone else’s less. Don’t wear the super high heels if you’re going out – your feet will hurt at the end of the night. Go for the slightly more sensible pair. Wear a lot of scarves, and hats (as long as you have a reasonably-sized head and can find them . . . . . sigh). Be a gentleman (unless you’re a lady, then be a lady). Eat sandwiches. Try chocolate almond milk! Remember your favorite game from childhood, and then buy it on Ebay. Sigh with regret that its not as fun as you remember, and then go watch Fraggle Rock on Netflix. Don’t get so wrapped up in concerns about what everyone else thinks of you, that you forget what YOU think of you.
And, buy me a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug. Studies have shown its really fun to do.
– Consequence of NOT buying me a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug: you must LIKE and SHARE both the post and the Quirk and Logic Facebook page. I don’t make the rules, I’m just the messenger.