I have said it before, and I will say it again. Dolls are creepy. They just ARE. I shudder even writing that.
I think you all should know that I am digging deep into my bootstraps, pulling up the big-girl undies, and generally suppressing my horror to do this for you. I just really hate dolls. Sometimes you even hear stories about possessed dolls. Or, as I call them, ‘dolls.’
So, this is ‘The Compendium of Dolls: Being a Treatise on How Creepy Dolls are in Order’
10. Non-Realistic Soft Cloth Dolls. These are really pretty ok. I think the ‘non-realistic’ is the key. Actually – I’m going to go-ahead and put Cabbage Patch kids in here too. Because I feel like it, and I do have good memories of my own Cabbage Patch Kid growing up. However – what’s the deal with the creepy backstory on them? They grow inside vegetables, and are immediately orphaned to be claimed/adopted by children. Let’s say you were a little girl. Let’s say you got a boy doll. Let’s say you really really wanted a girl doll, so you dressed up your boy doll in girl clothes and played pretend. Then let’s say you sort of accidentally left him under your bed for a few years. Just as an example. Anyways – creepy backstory still gets them on the list, but down a ways.
9. Barbie. Ok, the Barbie people do sort-of try sometimes. You can find Barbies with all kinds of jobs (even MAN jobs, like doctor and lawyer!) Of course, its kind of hard to find those Barbies amongst the 17 varieties of ‘Fashionista Barbie’ (that’s a real thing), Mermaid Barbie, Pretty Holiday Princess Barbie (ok, that one’s not a real thing). I had some Barbies when I was a kid, and I can’t say the completely unrealistic body image really affected me – after all, she looked exactly like the Disney Princesses! Also, I know the difference between toys and real life (otherwise, I should probably have had an intervention for the hypothetical Cabbage Patch Kid incident). Barbie – you’re a little messed up, but your way down on my list.
8. Semi-Realistic Dolls. These are your classic dollies. A few of them have open-shut eyes. Hard plastic head, soft body. Again – I probably had some of these, but I don’t really remember them. I suppose its not really the end of the world, unless you are hanging out in your house, just relaxing, and you look over and find one looking at you. Now most of these things have painted hair (fine), but some have that hair made out of colored fishing lines. That weirds me out. And sometimes, the older dollies get gross matted hair, and then I can’t look at them or touch them anymore.
7. Dolls That Perform Bodily Functions. Hey, neat! My dolly can eat and drink and then pee!!! Super! No – that’s just wrong. Sooooooo wrong. How about a baby that refuses to eat anything except bread and 4 peas? Maybe one that won’t go to bed, and then finds their way into your bed in the middle of the night. OH MY CRAP! I just referenced a doll moving around on its own. Commence deep breathing exercises, wait for shuddering to stop.
6. Dolls That Talk. Not ok, dolly people. Not ok. I can’t even walk down this aisle at Target. Sometimes I stumble in accidentally and have to run for it.
5. China Dolls. Is it just me, or do they trap the souls of actual children in these things? They always look at you, even when they aren’t looking at you.
4. Life-Sized Dolls. All the better to absorb your soul and come to life!
3. Clown Dolls. The Horror
2. Talking Clown Doll. No. Just, No.
1. Talking Life-Sized Clown Dolls. Why would you even bring that up? What is wrong with you???
Sleep tight everyone!
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