I can hear you saying ‘ewwwwww’ you know. Its not what you think. Ok, its partly what you think, but not entirely what you think.
I will not be discussing grody toenails or fungus infested toenails, or my dad’s weird toenail that he ran over with the lawnmower one time and now seems to be made of concrete.
Well, except for that sentence – I did discuss those things in the sentence above where I said I wouldn’t. But I’m done now.
Ladies – I am going to just fess up and admit I don’t get pedicures. I mean I don’t get them (I’ve never had one), and I don’t ‘get’ them. If it makes you happy to get one – please know I completely support you and wish you all the foot-related happiness in the world. Just please don’t invite me because the idea of it completely gives me the heeby-jeebies.
Now, part of this is the fact that I consider toenails along the same line as my lawn. No fuss, no muss, just a regular trim from time to time and you’re good to go. I really don’t want a professional to every gaze at my toes and then look at me with ‘that look.’ I assume they have ‘that look.’ I don’t really know, but I have a good imagination, and in my imagination they do.
It is summer now, and while I absolutely flaunt the toes in sandals and flip flops from the time the frost leaves until the time it returns, y’all are just going to have to deal with boring, naked feet (unless you never ever look at anyone’s feet because you are secretly terrified of feet because one time you dreamed you were an ant and that mean kid from next door was coming ever closer to your precious anthill and . . . . . . oh, not that, ok). I see what appears to be every other woman in existence showing off perfectly polished painted piggies (Yay Alliteration!). Sometimes extremely elaborate paintjobs too. Once again – if this is you, I promise not to judge you if you don’t judge me. Let’s just agree to disagree on the painted toenail front. I support your right to groom your feet however you choose. Question – how do you choose the color? What if you get a pedicure and it doesn’t match your outfit the next day (or really 6 days out of 7)? Is that just cool? I don’t know the toenail color etiquette, so forgive my ignorance. Or – do you just plan all your outfits around the color of your toenails for the duration it is there? This is why I can’t do it – this is *actually* how my mind works, and I would be stuck in an endless cycle day in and day out when trying to pick out my clothes.
Recently I heard about fish pedicures where you stick your feet in the water and fish eat the dead skin. Seriously? No way my feet are going anywhere near a tray of water wherein dwell carnivorous fish of undisclosed hunger. Besides, I assume others have also stuck their feet in that same pan of water (I also assume it is not possible to sanitize fish). That’s just more than my mind is able to wrap around.
On another toenail related, but not pedicure related, note: why do my husband’s toenails appear to be made out of titanium? The man has broken toenail clippers. Sometimes when they are freshly cut, his foot bumps mine in the bed, and I have to make sure I’m not bleeding. Maybe we should start growing them out, and he can get into the Guiness Book of World Records! Because of all the things that are kind of gross about toenails, the fact that there are groups of people competing to have the longest (for years at a time), might just take the cake!
I apologize for inadvertently linking cake to toenails. I hope it does not ruin cake for you.
Enjoy your personal toe-expression this summer!