Category: Quirky Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I named my dog after Eleanor Roosevelt.  I felt I should give her as much dignity as I could while I had the opportunity.

Today, I decided to interview Eleanor about her life and times.

Me: Hello Eleanor

E: Hi mommy

M: Please sit.  Not on my fee . . . . . .

E: I sit on your feet.

M: Yes I know.

E: Love you Mommy

M: Love you too.  Now, maybe we can talk about the socks in the yard.

E: No thank you.

M: Eleanor, how many pairs of socks did you eat this week?

E: None mommy

M: Eleanor

E: No pairs of socks mommy

M: (sigh) You ate all singles, didn’t you.

E: Maybe a little bit

M:

E: Love you mommy

M:Ok, how about another question.  What’s your favorite toy?

E: Green snaky squeaky.  I kill

M: Yes, you are very fierce.

E: Fierce Eleanor.  Kill snaky squeaky.  Protect family.

M: Will you protect us against other things?

E: Yes Mommy

M: How about cats?

E: No, Mommy.  Cats is scary.

M: Seriously.

E: I want treat bin

M: You don’t have a treat bin

E: Under place with people food dishes

M: We’ve talked about the garbage.

E: Yes.  Want garbage.

M: No garbage.  (blows nose)

E: I have

M: What?

E: I have

M: No, you may not have my tissue, that’s gross.

E: I have

M: Do you purposely push down as hard as you can when you put your head on my knee?

E: Yes Mommy

M: And why?

E: Love you mommy

M: Love you too Eleanor.  No you may NOT have the tissue.

E: Go walk

M: You want to go for a walk?

E: YES!!!!  YES YES YES!!!

M: Are we going to get a block from home and you are going to sit down on the sidewalk and refuse to move?

E: No Mommy

M: Eleanor.  Perhaps I should reference ‘every walk we’ve taken in the past month.’

E: Love you mommy.

M: (sigh).  I guess we’ll sign off from here.  Who is a good girl?

E: I am a good girl mommy. Go lay bright shiny.

M: Yes     you are.  Go lay bright shiny.

Quirky Thoughts

Greetings and Good Fortune!

I’m trying to work out a ‘signature greeting’ – as you can tell, this isn’t going to be it.  However, ‘how’s it hanging’ is probably not it either – too chancy on the responses.

Anywaaaaaaays. . . . .

I thought I would fill you in on one of the (many) things that will eventually make me rich and famous.  Pretty sure.  Its called Humanity Bingo, or alternately, People Watching Bingo.

So my primary human co-habitant (aka: husband) and I first came upon this idea at the St. Louis Zoo, on a stop while on vacation last year.  Whenever we are together, without children to filter for, we generally like to do a bit of people watching.  As it turns out, the St. Louis Zoo is a pretty good place to go!

I’ll get back to that – because ordinarily I don’t just write about things that happened 18 months ago.  You see, recently, we took the family to Adventureland.  Now, for the one of you not from Iowa, Adventureland is a theme park somewhere in between six flags and Carny-ville.  Its actually pretty fun, and my kids love it.  We stay on the dry side (except for the fact that it rained the whole day), so I am not referring to the attached water park.  Now, Adventureland also has some QUALITY people watching.  Not quite up to the level available at, say, Walmart or the State Fair, but still pretty good.

In any case, it brought up the whole subject of Humanity Bingo again.  So, here’s how it will work.  I will make up your standard issue BINGO style cards and sell them via ‘ye olde internet.’  Then, all of the grateful people-watchers will challenge friends and family for fabulous prizes*

(*you have to buy your own fabulous prizes)

I know what you are thinking, ‘What on earth are you even talking about?’

I see how your are.  You need examples:

  • Teenager who spent hours getting ready and is trying to pass it off as ‘didn’t even try.’
  • Person who vastly misunderstood the dress code for this event.
  • Person who clearly doesn’t understand what temperature it is.
  • Lady in work-out clothes. . . . And full hair and makeup.  (I love workout clothes as much as the next person, but lets face it – it looks kind of silly to have your hair and makeup fully done too.)
  • Screen zombie (in our family, this is what we refer to when someone is so glued to their ‘screen’ they have no clue what’s going on around them.  You can often find them in crosswalks of busy streets in an event I like to call ‘natural selection.’)
  • Mad Grandma who didn’t want to watch the kids today.
  • Lady who feels super high heels are ALWAYS appropriate (note: we actually saw Mad Grandma wearing the high heels, and couldn’t help but wonder if she would have been less mad in sensible shoes).
  • Parents who appear to be attempting to ‘lose’ one or more of their children.
  • Pajamas as clothes
  • Swimwear as clothes (note: this doesn’t count at a water-based event!!  Note on that note: unless the water-based event is a trip to the aquarium, then it totally counts)
Obviously we still need to add just a few more.  Then, its time for the riches to roll in.  Don’t worry, I won’t forget you.  Either one of you!
Don’t forget to LIKE and SHARE.  Also LIKE and SHARE the page,  Oh – and the facebook page too.
My husband tells me I need to get on Twitter too, but I haven’t, so don’t bother going there just yet.

Quirky Thoughts

Greetings!  So its been a while since I’ve written anything, but hey!  Life’s been busy and the Publisher’s Clearinghouse people haven’t found my house yet, so I still go to work every day.

Except last week, when I totally didn’t.

Because last week was.

 

Duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

VACATION!!!

 

4 Days in beautiful and sunny Key West!

greetings-from-key-west

You know where this mural is?  Its on the side of this dumpy little shack called the Cuban Coffee Queen.  I know this because I spent a LOT of time at the Cuban Coffee Queen and if you ever go to Key West, you should too.  Ok, so the guy called me ‘Sweetheart’ often enough to make Matt look like he had a pufferfish in his undershorts, but hey – that’s how they roll!

Ok, since I figure I’m pretty much an expert on Key West now (4 DAYS), I’m going to give you all the low-down.  You know, the inside scoop.  I know stuff man.

First of all, there’s this place.

whistle bar

Just one of the many bars on Duval (which is Key West’s version of Beale Street (Memphis) or Bourbon Street (New Orleans)).  Oh, except for one little thing.  Clothing optional upstairs.  Woo hoo?  And no, before you ask, we did not stumble in by accident (or on purpose).  There was a handy sign.

Picture4

You know, so we could point and snicker like 7th graders.  Don’t laugh, I’ll tell you where it is, just head South on Greene until you hit Duval, then turn left and walk till you see it.  I know you’re out there taking notes.

Ok, and some local color!  Like this fellow.  Affectionately known as the ‘Sponge Man.’  So adorable!

Picture5

He’s so cute!  And he’s really, truly there as a tourist attraction, not to, you know, suck out your soul or anything.  (He totally sucks out your soul, but that’s not why here’s there.)  And!  He’s got a brother a few blocks away!  Awesome!  Almost like he’s following you.

(Holy crap, I think he was following us).

And no visit to Key West would be complete without a visit to the Southernmost Point in the USA.  Hmmm, how will we ever find it?

Southernmost-Point

Oh hey!  I’ll bet that’s it.  Heeeeyyyyy, wait a second.  I see a problem here.

That problem is. . . .

smost with arrow

See that corner?  Its clearly more ‘Southernmost’ than the ‘Southernmost Point.’

Here, I took a better picture.

southernmost southernmost point

Behold!  The majestic ‘Southernmost Point’ in the USA!

Ok, except for that other point off to the side with the giant golf ball on it.  Apparently, the government has a gigantic listening device on a spit of land that is actually slightly more southern than the ‘Southernmost Point’ or even the ‘Actual Southernmost Point.’  Which just goes to show once again that ‘government reality’ and ‘the rest of us reality’ aren’t usually the same thing.  I didn’t mention this out loud down there on account of the giant golf-ball listening device.

There are actually some cool sights near the ‘Southernmost Point.’  For example, the ‘Southernmost House.’  Google it.  No wait, don’t leave me.  Here, I have a picture.

Southernmost_House

I didn’t really take this picture, the Google did.  Because its taken from out on the ocean, and I can’t walk on the water.

You know what I found just to the side of this house?  In a sort of ‘southerly’ direction?

You guessed it!

Picture6

That’s right!  Another house!  And apparently, they are a little peeved about the whole thing.  Peeved enough to create a plaque, and then post it on their fence.  I bet neighborhood block parties are pretty awkward. . . .

Ok, I did say this was an abbreviated travel-logue, and this is getting kind of long.  Here’s some short pointers.

  • Sloppy Joe’s is a cool bar where Hemmingway hung out.  Its really loud there.
  • Key Lime pie is disgusting.  Seriously – gross.  (Ok, my opinion.  Some people think its good).
  • The $5 t-shirt/hat/bag/dress/shorts and the $15 t-shirt/hat/bag/dress/shorts are EXACTLY THE SAME.
  • Cuban Coffee Queen.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • TOP NOTCH PEOPLE WATCHING.  This really cannot be overstated.  Matt and I had to start developing a new version of Humanity Bingo.
  • If you go to the beach, you may see an old guy wearing a swimming suit that looks like a cross between a coin purse and a pair of suspenders.  Tell him we said ‘hi.’
  • Its actually really safe there.  Despite all the drunk people, we only saw one confrontation, and that was a guy trying to pick a fight with a police office, who was calmly not participating in his fun.
  • Do NOT feed the iguanas.
  • There are lots and lots of chickens.  If you don’t see them, you’ll hear ’em.
  • If you take young children, be prepared to explain a lot of things you thought would wait a few more years.
  • Do not go to Key West during something called ‘Fantasy Fest’ in late October.  Wonder why?  Google it – I dare you.  I don’t post those kinds of pictures.

You will also see lots of these signs:

Picture7

Don’t worry, no one pays attention, and literally no one cares.

See you there next time!

Quirky Thoughts

Let me start by saying I have never seen ‘The Bachelor.’  Not even one episode.  Not even one part of one episode.  If you are a fan – have fun, its just not my thing.  I do see commercials, so I figure I’ve got the gist of it.

Now, there’s a lot of kerfuffle about the fact that the current ‘Bachelor’ is a farmer from Iowa.  Super.  And since we all know that the best way to find true love is a televised game show where the contestant dates multiple individuals in front of their competitors, you can see why the couples have been so successful.

Wait, what?  Who decided this was a good idea?

My husband is not a farmer, but he did grow up on a farm, doing farmer-y stuff (and that occurred in Iowa), so I’m going to use him as a reference.

This is my imaginary version of what an average Iowa farmer would be like on ‘The Bachelor.’  Ok, so its really ‘what would my husband have been like on ‘The Bachelor.’ If he was not married to me, which he is.’

Producer: ‘Ok, Matt.  We’ve got 25 ladies here who will be competing to win your heart.  You’ll get to know them a little bit, eliminate them, and then propose to the final remaining lady.’

Matt: ‘Propose?  As in marriage?  How many months am I going to be on this show?’

Producer: ‘Its just a few weeks.  Actually, we already have someone picked out for you.  Just play along.’

Matt: ‘My mother put you up to this, didn’t she?’

Producer: ‘Um, no.  Its just how we make the show.’

Matt: ‘Ok, lets get this over with.’

The ladies arrive, each desperate to get her face on camera to launch her ‘acting’ career get a rose and eventually win Matt’s heart.  They make bad jokes and wear painful-looking shoes.  The smell of perfume and hairspray becomes overwhelming.

Matt: ‘Thank you all for coming!  Excuse me a moment.’

(to producer): ‘Psst.  Hey.’

Producer: ‘What?  You’re in the middle of your initial meeting.’

Matt: ‘How many of these people do I have to keep around?’

Producer: ’15’

Matt: ‘No way – did you meet them?  They won’t stop smiling.  Four of them think I raise potatoes.  I’m pretty sure at least half were trying to get a whiff to see if I smell bad.  And what’s with the shoes???’

Producer: ‘Fine.  You can pick 10, as long as these three are in the mix.’

Matt: ‘Why?  That one won’t stop giggling, and that red-head seems to think EVERYONE smells bad.’

Producer: ‘Its good TV, just do as you’re told, you’ve got a contract.’

Matt returns to the ladies and hands out roses to the ones he thinks he can stand another few days.  He surreptitiously attempts to hide one of his 10 roses, but the producer gives him the stink-eye, so he hands it out to Annoying Giggler.

Fast forward to group date.  Matt is hanging out with 6 ladies, including the three the producer told him he was contractually obligated to include.  The producers suggested a trip to Bermuda.  Matt stood firm, and set up a bonfire and hayride.  After enduring several hours of complaints about dust and chaffing, Matt launches into a series of stories about adventures in hay baling.  The ladies do not seem impressed by exactly where chaff can become lodged, or in what color your phlegm turns. 

Lady #1: ‘What’s that smell?’

Matt: ‘Fresh cut alfalfa.  Best smell in the world.’

Lady #2: ‘Is that the grassy sort of smell?  Yuck.  What on earth is that stink?’

Matt: ‘Smell of money.’

Lady #2: ‘Come again?’

Lady #6: giggles

Matt (rolls eyes, takes deep breath): ‘Its cow manure.’

Lady #3: ‘Ew!  Why is it everywhere?  How does anyone stand the smell?’

Matt: ‘Uh, ok, biology lesson.  Cattle eat.  Cattle poop.  Actually, Everybody Poops.  My nephew has a book – you can look at it. ‘

Later, at the bonfire, three ladies appear to be jockeying for snuggling position.  One decides to flatter Matt. 

Lady #4: ‘So, you must build up some great muscles with all this physical work.’

Matt: ‘I dunno, I guess.  Its a lot of driving machinery, trying not to get kicked by a steer, and keeping the manure out of your mouth when you’re cleaning the yard.’

Lady #5: ‘Oh, you cannot be serious.  Manure in your mouth?  You are joking, that never happened to you.’

Matt: ‘It happens to everyone, regularly.’

Lady #6: giggles

Snuggle time over.  Matt congratulates himself, but gets the hairy-eyeball from the producers.

Matt has been reminded he is contractually obligated to charm these ladies.  A cocktail party has been arranged with the final 4 and Matt’s friends and family.  The producer has taken to locking up the roses prior to elimination, as Matt keeps claiming he can’t find half of them. 

The ladies crowd around Matt, trying to win points. 

Matt: ‘So, are you ladies having a good time?’

Lady #1: ‘Oh, its so nice to meet your friends.  I think I fit in so well with them.  You’ll love California, where I live.  You’ll be so enchanted you’ll want to move there immediately!’

Lady #2: ‘Why is everyone laughing so loud?’

Matt: ‘I believe they are having fun.’

Lady #3: ‘I asked for champagne at the bar, but that guy just looked at me funny.’

Lady #4: giggles

Matt (taking deep breath): ‘Hey!  Stay right here.’

Lady #1: ‘Why?’

Matt: ‘Cause I’m going to go over there.’

Producer: ‘What are you doing? Go be charming’

Matt: ‘The most charming I can be at the moment is absent.  Seriously, if you think I’m going to marry one of these people, you’re nuts.’

Producer: ‘What’s the big deal?  They’re gorgeous and want to marry you.’

Matt: ‘Rather be single.  I’m just going to yell ‘Plot Twist!’ and then run away, ok?’

Producer: ‘NO!’

Matt: ‘Plot Twist!’

And then Matt ran off into the sunset to get the last of the expensive perfume smell out of his nose.  As he breathed in the smell of alfalfa and manure, he decided to reconsider that girl he met who said she could beat him in arm wrestling.

 

Movie Logic Quirky Thoughts

Ok, I admit it.  I’m a little late to the party with this zombie apocalypse thing.  Its mostly because I don’t ‘do’ scary stuff, and I think zombies are really silly and would smell terrible.

I mean, really, the fact that zombies are just mindless walking meat-sacks means they are incredibly vulnerable to heat, cold, and continued decomposition.  LOGIC!!  I love logic.  I’ll be honest, you’d have to be really stupid to succumb to a zombie infestation, and that, children, is what we call ‘natural selection.’

However, for kicks and giggles, I shall play along.  Let’s assume something close to the whole ‘Walking Dead’ universe.  No – I don’t watch ‘The Walking Dead’ – why would you even ask that?  Logic aside, I like to sleep at night, and gross stuff tends to set my already overactive imagination to ’eminent core meltdown.’

Its not like my husband and I have ever had long conversations about the best weapons to utilize, should the whole zombie thing come to pass.  (Just for reference – my money’s on this one)

Naginata

That, my friends, is a naginata.  Razor sharp 18 inch blade on top of a 5-6 foot staff.  Combination pole arm (good for maintaining distance, equalizer in combat) and bladed weapon (good for beheadings and stuff).  Quiet.  Does not need ammunition.  Staff end can be used for non-beheading attack.  At least, that’s what I would say if I had ever given any thought to it.  Which, of course, I have not. . . . .

Hey look!  I learned to include pictures in blog posts!

Ok, back to the matter at hand.

The key to surviving our theoretical zombie apocalypse is really on the people you have with you.  Its survival time, not fluffy bunny warm and fuzzy time.  I could say something about how ordinary people do extraordinary things in extraordinary circumstances, and blah blah blah.  Not here!  Go watch Nightline or something.

I’m reviewing the chances of a few of our ‘favorite’ television personalities, and whether or not I’m going to keep them around, when the zombies make their move. I put ‘favorite’ in ‘quotations’ because a few of these are just one good-quality publicist away from being on the Jersey Shore.  Note: the Jersey Shore did not make the list, because I’m pretty sure they’ve already been overrun.

Speaking of which.

 

A Kardashian: These are interchangeable to me, so take your pick.  My dearest wish is that the world will collectively just stop paying attention to these people (seriously!!!  WHAT DO THEY DO?????).  How would they fare in the zombie apocalypse?  Honestly, they’ll be the first to go.  They’ll see media reporters filming the zombie horde, and they will fling themselves in front of that same camera because they can’t help themselves.  Bam!  Zombiefied.  How do you tell a zombie Kardashian from a regular Kardashian?  No idea – I assume the live ones smell better, so I’d go with that.

Those guys from ESPN College Gameday: Basic understanding of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as comes to strategy.  Extensive knowledge of athletics and athletic maneuvers (I’m talking about football, not shifting your undergarments, guys).  Easily distracted by miniscule mistakes and lengthy explanations of how things could have gone, what went wrong, and the teams statistics.  For the record: ‘number of zombies killed in two-on-one situations when its raining on a Friday and the temperature is above 70 degrees’ is not rational.  If the zombies don’t get you – your team members will.

Alex Trebek: Constantly flustered by knowing the information, but having no means of applying it in practice.  I’m sorry, Alex, that is incorrect, you must phrase your answer in the form of a question.  You should have said ‘What is ‘AHHHHH! HELP! THEY’RE COMING!’

Zac, Nick, and Aaron from Ghost Adventures: Hmmm.  Act tough, devote career to finding evidence of the supernatural.  Freak out when actually find any evidence of the supernatural.  Not putting money on your chances, fellas.

Wow, its not looking so good.  Who else can I scout around for?

Mariah Carey: Super diva behavior, not huge in the ‘brains’ department.  On the surface, this one is an easy ‘no.’  However, you have to factor in the super sonic zombie-crushing voice weapon.   Oh, and I’m pretty sure she’s one broken nail away from a full on crazy spree where she would stomp a whole battalion of zombies into dust with her pointy, pointy shoes.  I’ll let her tag along, but I’m pretty sure the team will eventually trick her into going to look for berries, and then high-tail it out of there.

Bear Grylls (a.k.a. that guy from Man Vs. Wild).  Killer survival skills.  Check.  Complete and utter disregard for personal safety.  Check.  This guy is on my team.  I’m pretty sure he’ll get taken down eventually but hopefully not before he teaches us which berries will kill us and which will just give us the runs.  Probably when trying to build a zipline across the forest out of twine, his belt, pine sap, and woven chest hair.

Pete Nelson (Treehouse Masters): Totally on my team.  No killer instinct.  Has not, to date, shown evidence of any kind of survival skills.  Extremely likeable.  Can build a ‘Swiss Family Robinson’ style tree fortress for us in less than 2 weeks.  You are in, Pete Nelson.  Try not to get too distracted hugging trees.

Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters:  I pick you!  I pick you!  Extensive knowledge of science (and explosives).  Methodical.  Ability to improvise (I saw these guys build a mechanized weapon out of stuff in a completely ordinary lumberyard, including ammunition).  I’m pretty sure Jamie’s prehensile mustache serves as an additional sensory organ as well.  All the better.  Jamie’s a bit more solid and serious.  Adam’s a bit more imaginative, yet still competent.  Both of them can help rein in Bear Grylls, who is doubtless already diving headfirst into something without checking.  We need science and fabrication on our side, and these guys are the real deal.  I think they will fare extremely well, and I will be there to see it.

 

Now, some of you are thinking ‘what about friends and family?’ That’s a whole different blog post people.  Since I don’t want to make any parties or holiday gatherings uncomfortable for all involved, a blog post that will remain in my head for all eternity.  Let’s just assume that those that make the cut are included when I say ‘my team,’ and leave it at that.

JUST LEAVE IT OK?

 

Anyways. . . . . I’ve got to go find a place in the greater Cedar Rapids area that offers naginata lessons.

Happy hunting!

 

If you chuckled or snickered, or perhaps even guffawed . . . LIKE and SHARE!  Thanks Team!

Movie Logic Quirky Thoughts

Hey There, Howdy, Good Morning and Good Evening!

I can’t help but notice that New Year’s Eve is almost upon us.  I know you are all wondering what fabulous star-studded event I’ve been asked to attend this year? I mean, super-awesome part-time bloggers and full-time regular people must get tons of A-List invitations, right?

Oh, most definitely.  This year, I selected the most impressive one.  The one that includes the hubs, my couch, sweatpants (naturally), and a glass of wine.  Possibly a movie or a marathon of Treehouse Masters.  Bedtime well before midnight, because we’re fancy like that.  Sounds pretty sweet to me.

I understand that most people like to ‘go out’ for New Year’s Eve.  I suppose that’s fine too (they frown on it if you wear sweatpants, though).  I tend to be a fairly low-key soul.

What’s the other ‘big deal?’  New Year’s Resolutions.

I’m pretty sure that 90% of resolutions fall into some form of ‘Get healthier’ ‘Eat better’ and ‘Construct a real working model of the Solar System out of cheese and glitter.’

There’s a statistic somewhere that I’m too lazy to look up about how many of those resolutions are toast by end of January.  Its a lot.  But really – there are no consequences!  ‘I said I was going to go to the gym, but I don’t go to the gym and no one knows but me and my bank account where the gym dues keep coming out anyways.’  Not bad enough.  Also not original.  I mean – you SHOULD go to the gym, as you will be healthier and feel better.  But stop making resolutions about it.  Just go do it.

I have taken the guesswork out of good New Year’s Resolutions.  (Hooray!)   Here are your options:

1. Stop being a Republican.  Or a Democrat.  Its time to be an Independent.  As in ‘Independent Thinker.’  That’s right!  You have to think for yourself for a whole year, without blindly following the rhetoric of a political group (note: any political group).  You may find yourself agreeing with one or the other pretty frequently – but do it because you had an actual thought in your head, please.

– Consequence for each instance of ‘blind following’: Watch 2 hours of Fox News.  Record each statement made.  Fact check, citing your sources, with alternate explanations and points of view (also with cited sources).  Record a reading of your results on YouTube.

2. Sing Karaoke – one time – during the year.  Get over yourself and realize a little mild embarrassment is hardly the worst thing in the world.  The sooner you have fun with it, the sooner you realize that if you are laughing, its not actually embarrassing anymore.

– Consequence: Ok, I really want to do karaoke, so one of you needs to come with me.  Its more fun with friends.  Sometimes its also Wing Night, and wings are delicious.  My husband does a great rendition of ‘The Greatest Country-Western Song’ and he can’t sing AT ALL.

3. Stop posting mean things online just to get a rise out of people, or because you are just so fascinated by how your own mean, judgmental opinion looks when typed out.  (AKA ‘being a troll’).  Now, I know no one who reads the silly crap I write would ever do this – but if you do, seriously you need to stop.  It does actually make you a horrible person.

– Consequence: Each mean comment gets you assigned to scooper duty at the dog park.  Except instead of a scooper, you have to use your hands.  And instead of a dog park its really a emu farm.  And the emus have been eating Indian Food. Don’t be caught with emu curry poo on your hands.  Be nice people!

4.  Buy a book written by me, as soon there is one, but you may have to be a little patient.

– Consequence: You will be so very happy with your new book (so would a LOT of children, if you also bought the book for them – just sayin’), and totally sad if you don’t have one.  The sadness is a pretty horrible consequence (almost in line with the emu curry poo thing).  Why would you deny yourself that happiness?

5. Use ‘your, you’re, there, their, and they’re’ CORRECTLY for a whole year.

– Consequence: Each misdeed gets you a volunteer day in the cat room at the humane society.  On bath day.

6. Compliment someone every day.  Its a nice thing to do – and it helps keep us from constantly negatively comparing others to ourselves in order to feel better. Why not compliment someone, honestly, and BOTH feel better?

– Consequence: Each time you run someone down who did nothing to deserve it, buy them a new pair of shoes.  Not because you are going to go ‘walk a mile in their shoes’ – no, that’s silly, they probably don’t wear the same size as you, and its cold out.  No.  Because new shoes are awesome, and you need to practice making people feel awesome.

7. Stop reposting ‘news’ stories on social media without checking to see if they have any basis in reality.  Just take your righteous indignation and cool it the heck down.

– Consequence: Each repost (or righteously indignant comment) that has not been fact checks gets you 24 hours as the Quirk and Logic channel on Facebook.  That’s right.  Every hour for 24 hours, you must post and only post awesome ‘Shares’ from your favorite blog, Quirk and Logic.  Also just stop doing this because it makes you look ridiculous.

8. Buy a blogger a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug.

– Consequence: My husband won’t get me one and I really want one.

 

Ok, seriously – there’s no magic equation to the perfect New Year’s resolution.  Just be nice to yourself, and to others.  Care a little about other people.  Remember that the internet is actually made up of other people too (like, with faces and stuff.  Maybe even feelings).  Do at least one nice thing for someone every day – even if its just providing an honest compliment.  Know your own worth without having to try to make someone else’s less.  Don’t wear the super high heels if you’re going out – your feet will hurt at the end of the night.  Go for the slightly more sensible pair.  Wear a lot of scarves, and hats (as long as you have a reasonably-sized head and can find them . . . . . sigh).  Be a gentleman (unless you’re a lady, then be a lady).  Eat sandwiches.  Try chocolate almond milk!  Remember your favorite game from childhood, and then buy it on Ebay.  Sigh with regret that its not as fun as you remember, and then go watch Fraggle Rock on Netflix.  Don’t get so wrapped up in concerns about what everyone else thinks of you, that you forget what YOU think of you.

 

And, buy me a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug.  Studies have shown its really fun to do.

– Consequence of NOT buying me a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug: you must LIKE and SHARE both the post and the Quirk and Logic Facebook page.  I don’t make the rules, I’m just the messenger.

Quirky Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post called ‘Rosy Cheeks and Sparkling Eyes: A Holiday Shopping Survival Guide.’  Of course, shopping is more-or-less wrapping up, but now the holiday gatherings are starting.  I have put together some ‘do’s and don’ts’ to get through all the festivities.

‘WHAT?!?’ You say.  ‘But I love absolutely everyone and have no discord or strife in my life at all!’  Congratulations!  You aren’t human.  Since that means your parents have likely been lying to you, you DO officially have some discord to discuss.  If, by chance, you really, truly, have nothing but sunshine and buttercups throughout the holiday season, then go back a couple posts and read about Dolls.  That should scar you nicely and bring things around.

If, like the rest of us, there are occasional irritations and tensions at holiday get-togethers, then I have some helpful hints to keep things running smoothly.

1. Alcohol is what we call a ‘mixed blessing.’  A little might help you relax (if you’re into that).  A little more might encourage you to say what you’ve been working hard not to say for the past 7 years.  Or photocopy your rear end at the office party.  A lot more and you might not remember the whole thing – but everyone else sure will.  Less is more, people.  Less is more.

2. Be sure that there is at least one person at each gathering that is your ‘home base.’  This is the person you go to when you’re afraid you’re going to say that thing from #1, when you aren’t sure exactly how much you’ve spiked the eggnog, or in general when you’re evaluating exactly how many years on the naughty list something will get you.  (Hint: if its more than 2, you really need to reconsider).  Its best to tell your ‘home base’ person the plan.  After all, if you do hit the eggnog a little hard, you could end up choosing a new home base person, which is most unwise – as are most decisions when you’re a bit sloppy.

3. Facebook is not your friend.  Do not post how unexcited you are to attend a gathering.  People see that stuff, you know?  Also, don’t post about how ‘so-and-so has the absolute best party every year!’  You know what that means?  Every other person who invites you is going to have a big ol’ stick up their butt, because their party didn’t get top honors on Facebook.  That’s just a recipe for holiday gathering disaster.  Even if it is the truth.  And judging by how up tight they seem, it probably is.

4. Know the food situation ahead of time.  Are you supposed to bring something?  If so, make it something awesome.  Do not bring boring food.  And for Pete’s sake, this is not the time to try out your new Super Tofu Organic Vegan Chocolate-Free Fudge.  Or, at the very least, if you do bring it, don’t label it.  If you ignore my advice (idiot), that stuff better be amazing.  And by amazing, I mean accidentally labeled something else.  Even if its the best Super Tofu Organic Vegan Chocolate-Free Fudge on earth, no one will eat it.  They will look at it, and then scope out the room for flannel, ironic suspenders, and hipster beards.  If you are going to a Super Tofu Organic Vegan party, then my advice is ‘Eat before you go.’  No offense to all my vegan friends out there (ok, friend).  Healthy eating is AWESOME – and way to go you all (you . . . . one?).  It just doesn’t scream ‘HOLIDAY PARTY’ to me.  However, if you add some edible glitter to that (cake decorating aisle, craft store), you should be able to get that ‘sparkly farts’ thing happening.  Maybe you can have a contest?

5. Get yourself a really awesome gift (like, say, a glittery rainbow unicorn mug).  Put it on a shelf, and make a deal with yourself.  ‘I will not lose my poo at any of my holiday gatherings.’   If you manage it, you get your gift!  If you don’t, you must present your awesome gift to the holiday party guest you’d most like to, ahem, write a sternly worded letter to Santa about.  When things get stressful, just imagine your awesome gift, waiting for you, if you don’t lose your poo.  Then, don’t lose your poo.

6. **Warning**  This segment is ‘What NOT to do.’  You should not, under any circumstances grind up anti-anxiety medication and put it in the drinks of obnoxious people.  It will be tempting.  If you have such a prescription, you may consider taking one yourself.  Do not slip them to others.  That is illegal.  ‘Orange is the New Black’ is an awesome TV show, not an awesome life.  This has been a public service announcement.  Now, in certain states, certain other relaxing substances have been made legal.  If you live in one of those states, there would be nothing stopping you from baking that substance into a tasty treat.  You could certainly offer those around.  If its legal in your state.  Its not here, and its not really my thing.  But, whatever earns you your rainbow unicorn mug.  And really, whatever keeps your eye from twitching.

 

Take a deep breath, and remember that most holiday gatherings are, in fact, fun!  Ok, some holiday gatherings are fun.  You know what, just make it easy on yourself and only go to the fun ones.  Unless you have to, in which case, best of luck.

 

If I promise to help make any holiday gathering of which I am part, fun and enjoyable, will you promise to LIKE and SHARE?  It might not get you a unicorn mug – but you might help me earn mine!

 

Quirky Thoughts

I just love me my scary movies.  That is a lie of course, but they haven’t invented a sarcasm font yet.  I hate horror movies.  Even ‘sort of horror/sort of comedy’ movies.  I just hate them.  I’ve only ever seen 3 scary movies in my whole life.  I believe that is three too many, by the way – as I would happily erase those events from my memory.

My first horror movie was ‘I know what you did last summer.’  I think I was a sophomore in college.  My friends made me.  We were over at another friend’s dorm, so we went to leave at midnight after the movie, and the elevator went up instead of down, and when the doors opened no one was there.  Then it stopped again on the 2nd floor and no one was there.  Then it stopped on the ground floor and we ran for our lives until we were locked safely in our own dorm room.

The second was ‘Final Destination.’  I went with a friend on night off when I worked at camp.  It was about 14 years ago and I’m still ticked about it.

The third one was ‘The Ring.’  My boyfriend at the time made me watch this one with other friends.  Then he fell asleep! HE FELL ASLEEP AND DIDN’T PROTECT ME FROM THE SCARY MOVIE!!!!!  It was horrible.  I was freaked out for weeks (months.  maybe years).  Luckily at the time I only had a tiny 13 inch TV in my apartment, so I could happily squash my fears by imagining that freaky ghost lady getting stuck halfway out and then struggling like an upside-down turtle.  Still makes me smile.  But the point I was originally making was that this dude MADE ME WATCH IT, and did not stay awake.  Since we were at someone else’s house, I couldn’t even ask to turn it off.  Needless to say, he did not keep his boyfriend status.  Mostly because I married him, but I still bring it up from time to time.  ‘Oh honey, I forgot you don’t really like this meal.  Remember that time you forgot to stay awake even though you know I hate scary movies?  Yeah, I thought so.  Eat it and shut up.’

That last one was about 12 years ago.  As you can see, I have a LOOOOONG memory regarding things that scar me psychologically with their scary-ness.  Then I decided I’d had enough and wouldn’t do it anymore.  And I won’t.  Except for some reason I’m completely addicted to ghost hunting shows.  I LOVE Ghost Hunters.  I like Ghost Adventures.  My favorite is Dead Files.  LOVE IT!  That makes absolutely no sense.  I usually still have to read the descriptions, though, and if they talk about child ghosts, I skip that episode because I enjoy sleeping at night.  One time I was watching a show that did talk about a place that was potentially haunted by a child, and it was late and my house was dark.  I went up to get a glass of water, turned around, and see the silhouette of a child at the top of the stairs!!!  So I shriek and wet myself just a little bit, and the creepy ghost child says ‘Mommy, I need to go to the bathroom.’  Oh, hi Owen.  Mom will come up and help you as soon as my heart starts beating and I have a chance to change my drawers.

Now, I am also an intensely curious person, so I still like to know stuff, just not see it.  Also, because I’m an American, and if one thing American’s do well, its take something popular and cram it down the public’s throat until its not even a little bit fun anymore.  Often with a plethora of really bad rip-offs tailing along.

So, first came the vampires.  I think it started with ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer.’  Surprise surprise – I never watched that show.  I know!  Can you believe it.  You see, of all the freaky things out there, vampires have always freaked me out the most.  Until I turned 30.  Now, things like bed bugs (real ones), creepy vans, unemployment, and dolls have taken over.  Anyways.  Vampires were the big thing, and for some reason they are sexy.  Why?  No idea.  I’ve never really understood it, but it goes all the way back to Bram Stoker.  Then, around 2005, the first ‘Twilight’ book came out.  Oddly enough – I did read and enjoy these.  The writing may not be perfect, but I enjoyed the story.  Then, of course, the vampire stories started multiplying.  Like Bed Bugs.  You know what?  Talk amongst yourselves for a few minutes while I bathe in bleach.  Be right back.

Thank you for your patience.  And while I’m at it – twilight linked vampires and werewolves.  So they’re together in this.

If I told you I would give you a million dollars to walk into Barnes and Noble and bring me 27 different vampire-themed novels in under 2 minutes, to this day you would be able to.  I do not have a million dollars, but if anyone who does have an unnecessary million wants to challenge me to do this, I accept.  However, I would have to ultimately say that vampires have sucked the market dry (you see what I did there?).

 

Then the zombies shambled in.  Gross.  Seriously.  I don’t think they have as many books though, because teenage girls don’t find zombies sexy.  It might be all the decomposing.  I suspect it is anyways.  Movies and TV have happily filled the gap however.  So. many. movies.  My husband happens to like ‘The Walking Dead.’  I’ve never seen it.  Why?  Because it is scary and gross and I can watch the Food Network in the other room.  Since Matt watches it, I still ask him to give me the rundown and we can discuss it.  Its a way for us to share one of his interests with out the aforementioned psychological scarring.  It seems like every one of these discussions ends with me shouting ‘BUT THAT’S NOT LOGICAL!’  Seriously – they make up rules for their little world, and then promptly break them.  Who knows anymore.  I am pretty sure that zombies are reaching the end of their eminence at the top of the horror movie hierarchy.  And then the TV and movie world can compose their eulogy (or maybe decompose – you see what I did there?).

 

So?  What’s going to be the next big thing?  I have a few ideas.

1. Swamp creature.  Lacks the sexy quality of vampires, but is very smelly and gross like zombies.  Shows potential.  Als0, by featuring shows or movies in the swamp means swamp people.  The stories write themselves.

2. Mummies.  Ok, I know there were some Mummy movies a couple years ago – and I really liked them!  Except the third one, that was dumb.  But mummies never really achieved mainstream success.  Their time may have come, just a couple thousand years late.  Its a wrap!  BWAHAHAHAHAHA. (you see what I did there).

3. Medicaid Auditors.  (shudders).

4. Aliens.  No, not sexy aliens.  Regular aliens.

5. ManBearPig.  I think it may be his time.

6. Sheepsquatch.  Half man, half sheep.  Its a real thing.  Google it – I dare you.  Monster plus rednecks plus guns = quality entertainment.

7. Dolls.  Not like Chucky, though.  Way creepier than that.  Not as creepy as life-sized talking clown dolls though.

8. Life-sized talking clown dolls.  You know what?  I’m just going to go curl up in the fetal position for a little while.  Don’t mind me.

 

I don’t even know why I care, I’m not going to watch any of it anyways.  I think I’ll go read a story about princesses for a little bit.

 

 

If this didn’t cause you psychological scarring, then LIKE and SHARE.  Its the right thing to do.

 

 

Quirky Thoughts

I have said it before, and I will say it again.  Dolls are creepy.  They just ARE.  I shudder even writing that.

I think you all should know that I am digging deep into my bootstraps, pulling up the big-girl undies, and generally suppressing my horror to do this for you.  I just really hate dolls.  Sometimes you even hear stories about possessed dolls.  Or, as I call them, ‘dolls.’

You’re welcome.

 

So, this is ‘The Compendium of Dolls: Being a Treatise on How Creepy Dolls are in Order’

 

10. Non-Realistic Soft Cloth Dolls.  These are really pretty ok.  I think the ‘non-realistic’ is the key.  Actually – I’m going to go-ahead and put Cabbage Patch kids in here too.  Because I feel like it, and I do have good memories of my own Cabbage Patch Kid growing up.  However – what’s the deal with the creepy backstory on them?  They grow inside vegetables, and are immediately orphaned to be claimed/adopted by children.  Let’s say you were a little girl.  Let’s say you got a boy doll.  Let’s say you really really wanted a girl doll, so you dressed up your boy doll in girl clothes and played pretend.  Then let’s say you sort of accidentally left him under your bed for a few years.  Just as an example.  Anyways – creepy backstory still gets them on the list, but down a ways.

9. Barbie.  Ok, the Barbie people do sort-of try sometimes.  You can find Barbies with all kinds of jobs (even MAN jobs, like doctor and lawyer!)  Of course, its kind of hard to find those Barbies amongst the 17 varieties of ‘Fashionista Barbie’ (that’s a real thing), Mermaid Barbie, Pretty Holiday Princess Barbie (ok, that one’s not a real thing).  I had some Barbies when I was a kid, and I can’t say the completely unrealistic body image really affected me – after all, she looked exactly like the Disney Princesses!  Also, I know the difference between toys and real life (otherwise, I should probably have had an intervention for the hypothetical Cabbage Patch Kid incident).  Barbie – you’re a little messed up, but your way down on my list.

8. Semi-Realistic Dolls.  These are your classic dollies.  A few of them have open-shut eyes.  Hard plastic head, soft body.  Again – I probably had some of these, but I don’t really remember them.  I suppose its not really the end of the world, unless you are hanging out in your house, just relaxing, and you look over and find one looking at you.  Now most of these things have painted hair (fine), but some have that hair made out of colored fishing lines.  That weirds me out.  And sometimes, the older dollies get gross matted hair, and then I can’t look at them or touch them anymore.

7. Dolls That Perform Bodily Functions.  Hey, neat!  My dolly can eat and drink and then pee!!!  Super!  No – that’s just wrong.  Sooooooo wrong.  How about a baby that refuses to eat anything except bread and 4 peas?  Maybe one that won’t go to bed, and then finds their way into your bed in the middle of the night.  OH MY CRAP!  I just referenced a doll moving around on its own.  Commence deep breathing exercises, wait for shuddering to stop.

6. Dolls That Talk.  Not ok, dolly people.  Not ok.  I can’t even walk down this aisle at Target.  Sometimes I stumble in accidentally and have to run for it.

5. China Dolls.  Is it just me, or do they trap the souls of actual children in these things?  They always look at you, even when they aren’t looking at you.

4. Life-Sized Dolls.  All the better to absorb your soul and come to life!

3. Clown Dolls.  The Horror

2. Talking Clown Doll.  No.  Just, No.

1. Talking Life-Sized Clown Dolls.  Why would you even bring that up?  What is wrong with you???

Sleep tight everyone!

 

 

If you enjoyed this, LIKE and SHARE.  Then go to the Quirk and Logic Facebook page and LIKE and SHARE that too.  The creepy, soulless doll eyes want you to.

Quirky Thoughts

Ok, to be fair, I should really call this “A list of things everyone needs to do so I don’t hurt anyone” – but that doesn’t sound very cheery.  The whole ‘Rosy Cheeks’ bit is really just an allusion to the fact that sometimes a glass of wine or two can be a good thing.  I don’t have any wine at the moment (sad face), so I shall use logic instead.

Today is Black Friday.  In my world its Family Sweatpants Day!  No, not because we all overate yesterday (Moooooom, I don’t Liiiiiiiiiiike Turkey).  But because I stay home ALLLLL day, lounging in my comfy sweatpants.  Well, or the other sweatpants that my new pair made me buy.  I think maybe they’re married now.  I try not to think about too much.  I told someone recently that I’d rather eat a cat than shop on Black Friday.  I won’t, of course, because I suspect that cats taste like fish and scornful distain.  Its not that I don’t like shopping – I do!  I just don’t like shoppers, and that’s an important distinction.

Ever since I became a responsible adult. . . . well, an adult anyways, I’ve been making careful notes about public behavior during the weeks leading up to Christmas.  I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on it at this point, so I’ve created a guide of all the stuff that drives me nuts, and what some simple solutions might be.  Selfishly, this is really just my polite request so that I can enter shopping establishments during the months of November and December (I buy all my groceries at Target, and I’d like to be able to get my Milk, Eggs, and Bread without feeling like my sanity is hanging by a shaky thread of tinsel.  And speaking of that, why is it that during every snowstorm (at least here in Iowa), we all feel the need to buy Milk, Eggs, and Bread?  Is there some conspiracy, or a magical breakfast casserole recipe I don’t know about that somehow protects you from winter weather?  In that case, why don’t we buy cheese?  Breakfast casserole is no good without cheese.  We have this all wrong.  Stuck in the house for potentially several days?  Why aren’t we all buying wine?  Sigh.  This parenthetical is really long.  I should probably wrap it up.  I just noticed I put a parenthetical inside another parenthetical.  Like a little literary hug where I tell you all I live in Iowa.  Most of you already knew that because you actually know me.  Oh well, the end.)

 

1. All shopping cart traffic MUST be treated like road traffic.  Slow traffic, keep right.  Maintain standard two directional patterns.  DO NOT SWERVE (unless a pig crosses your path.  Do they talk about that in Driver’s Ed if you aren’t from Iowa?  Quick, share this with a whole bunch of people from North Carolina and Florida and California and Arizona and Hawaii and stuff.  I need to know if it is only in Iowa that they tell you to swerve only if you are about to hit a pig).

2.  You know how you think you can talk on your cell and shop at the same time?  You can’t, you’re really messing up the traffic pattern.  Like a crazy drunk, you’re swerving all over the lanes of traffic, backing up erratically, and then stopping without warning to look at items, and argue with your phone person about which thingy to get.  Yes – ok – a few of you do this pretty well.  Most of you make me want to drop embarrassing things in your cart for the nice cashier to find (I have never actually done this – but I think about it all the time).

3. If you bring your kids with you, please take note of what they are doing.  I love kids, and don’t have any problem sharing my holiday shopping space with them.  However, letting your 6 year old drive the shopping cart at 5pm at Target the week of Thanksgiving is what we call here ‘a bad decision.’  What we have here is called a ‘teaching opportunity.’  If you run into me at Target, I will be the one saying ‘look where you are going!  Be respectful of other people!  Personal space, kid!’  And guess what – they sometimes even learn those things.  My small contribution to the future.  If you don’t, I may start presenting unwatched children with the most awesome light-up sound-making toys I can find in the toy aisle (hellooooooo singing Elsa!).  Enjoy!

4. Maybe, just a little, pay attention to the fact that there are hundreds of people around you?  Otherwise, I may have to bring the cattle prod.  Target security gets soooooo touchy about that too.  Please, it doesn’t cause any lasting damage.  City folk.

5. If you get ‘let out’ or ‘picked up’ at the door, and show no signs of any mobility issues, I JUDGE YOU.  Yes, I am Judgy McJudgemuffin!  STOP DOING THIS.  For Pete sake, the line backs up for 5 cars and the rest can’t get out of their lane.  I’m going to start throwing snowballs at you.  If I can’t find snowballs, I’ll throw my son’s wadded up socks.  For some reason, those are constantly in abundance everywhere.  Find a parking spot and walk.  If you are buying one of those super huge things that requires you to drive up, I suppose I understand.  Move fast, get it done, and move on.  Think:  ‘Chinese Firedrill’ as performed by Navy Seals.

6. Do not, under any circumstances, trample anyone because you are in a hurry to save money.  Why is it necessary to type that?

7. Ok – I’ve heard from at least one person who deliberately parks their cart in the middle of the aisle, or steps back and stands in people’s way – just to bug people and see their reactions.  You are a sociopath.  I turn my cattle prod up to 11.

 

I don’t suspect its going to get any better any time soon.  Now ‘Black Friday’ actually starts on Thanksgiving, and some places run deals all month long in November.  None of that makes any sense to me.  I just shop online because I’ve never yet had the urge to hurt someone in an online shop.  I don’t even post nasty comments (seriously – who needs all that negativity).  Plus – wine.  Wine helps.  I have a dream this blog will be read as far away as North Carolina, Florida, California, Arizona, and Hawaii (if you read #1, you can be a DREAM-COME-TRUE-MAKER).  Then, even if the world has not seen the wisdom of my words (very wise words), perhaps people will send my wine!

All I want for Christmas is to be able to go Christmas shopping without wanting to harm others, and without resorting to the wine too often.

 

Oh, and peace on earth and all that stuff.

 

And lots of LIKES and SHARES with friends far and wide!  SHARING ‘Quirk and Logic’ is the GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING!  Seriously, it is, because I keep writing stuff.  Someday, when I’m rich, I’ll even have giveaways and neat stuff like that.  Don’t hold your breath though.

 

Quirky Thoughts