Category: Quirky Thoughts

Ok – so sometimes the song is ‘If I weren’t on camp staff.’ But sometimes its a great way to poke fun at one another.

And as we know, poking fun at one another is how you survive camp staffer-ing. (sure, its not a word. But I just used and you understood it, so pfftht).

Every summer, I get a little nostalgic for camp. I think this is the case for most people who have worked as part of a summer camp staff – and in my case refers to my two summers working at the Howard H. Cherry Scout Reservation for the Boy Scouts of America. Well, technically it was two years, but I volunteered part time a third year, and then somehow ended up Commissary Director 16 years later.

I am not sure what summer camp stories you heard – but its definitely not like the movies. There’s no rival camp across the lake. There were no dance-offs. While I was there, there wasn’t even any nudity (although stories abound). So, here is my top-10 list for things its good to know about being camp staff. I’m not including any photos in this post because photos are ‘evidence.’ We are proceeding as if this whole list is simply fun, purely hypothetical situations.

10. The food can be pretty bad. Camp’s don’t have huge budgets. Don’t be too hard on the kitchen people – they are doing the best they can! That being said, the words ‘taco meat’ can still evoke some pretty strong reactions from anyone on camp staff circa 2000-ish. (shudder). Always befriend the cook. It may just net you baggies filled with chocolate chip cookies to stash away. (Thanks Barb!)

10 (Part 2). Befriend the ranger. Our ranger was a bit gruff and grumpy – but was also an amazing guy with a huge job to do. Generally, the best way to befriend the ranger is to do your job and not be an idiot. Some people do better at this than others. Give as good as you get. You’ll do fine (unless you are an idiot, in which case, this summer is going to be hard).

9. Speaking of befriending the cook – the best way to do that is to pitch in. If you have a few minutes and no pressing duties, give a hand in the kitchen (or wherever is needed). Camp kitchens are usually bottom choice for incoming staff people. Who wants to work at a camp, only to be inside all day? No one, that’s who. Its also a sweat lodge, but who doesn’t want to be nostalgic for a bead of sweat running down their butt crack? There are always a few places in every camp desperate for a little extra help. Give a little extra help. Not only is it the right thing to do, it gets you brownie points to counteract whatever trouble you may get into, as well as contacts to assist you later on.

8. Speaking of assistance later on. You know what camp kitchen people can get you? Kool Aid. Not the stuff we serve the campers – that stuff already has the sugar mixed in. We needed the pure Kool Aid that. Purple Kool Aid. Why? Because obviously the sugar would have drawn flies, and the flies would have bothered the horses. Purple Kool Aid, it turns out, does not bother horses. Fun Fact: A purple horse will turn first red, then pink, as the purple fades. It usually lasts just long enough for the ranger to panic about returning a pink horse to the owner. You know, like a month.

7. ALWAYS MAKES SURE YOUR RADIO BUTTON IS NOT COMPRESSED WHEN YOU TALK SH*T ABOUT WORTHLESS MEMBERS OF THE CAMP STAFF.

6. There are generally a lot of volunteers helping a camp to stay afloat. This was certainly true of our camp – the mowing alone took a small volunteer army. Volunteerism can go wrong, however. Like, for instance, if a certain volunteer decided to meddle with MY POOL. And if that volunteer decided to turn off the circulation pump to check something, and then neglect to turn it back on, and also leave the acid pump running. And let’s say two days go by and you don’t notice the pump is off because you didn’t turn it off and you expect it to be on. And let’s say the ranger checks it and (after yelling at you for not noticing) turns it back on. Let’s suppose that suddenly orange-brown jets suddenly shoot into the swimming pool from every circulation vent. Just picture a whole pool turning brown in a matter of 2 minutes. Then almost black the next day. Then (after much draining, refilling, pumping, hyper-chlorinating), green but opaque. Then turquoise, but still opaque, then blue, and finally, clear. Just in time for scouts to arrive. Its only 95 degrees all summer long, no one is going to want the swimming pool – right?

5. Working on camp staff is long, hot, and hard. Staff tend to get creative in now to blow off steam. Since Fight Clubs are frowned upon, this typically results in pranks. Good rule of thumb: don’t hurt anyone and don’t destroy property. Oh, and make sure they person you are pranking isn’t a total tool. Most camp staff’s have a resident prank officiant. He/She is the one with good ideas who generally knows how to keep their own hands clean. Let’s call him Paul. Befriend Paul, but don’t let your guard down. Ever. And Paul won’t be the only one. Its everyone. Basically working on camp staff is the pranking equivalent of the Hunger Games. But what would I know? I’ve never put copious amounts of cayenne pepper in chocolate cookies, or garlic powder in Banana Bread. I definitely was not involved with the purple horse.

4. Camp-fires are the best. Skits and songs and laughter, all under the open sky with a big-ass fire behind you. Make a mistake? No one cares. Sure, now they are laughing AT you instead of WITH you, but no one (including you) seems to mind. A word of caution: if you decide at age 36 to revisit a skit you used to do all the time when you were 21 – just remember YOU ARE 36 AND YOUR BODY DOESN’T DO THAT ANY MORE. Always remember – at camp fires you must sing the CORRECT versions of songs. Not the wildly inappropriate versions you made up with your follow staff members.

3. Always make up wildly inappropriate versions of the camp songs.

3 (Part 2). Quotes. Any self-respecting camp staff should keep a running list of the best quotes of the summer. And then put them on a t-shirt. How else am I supposed to remember ‘I gave a beaver a poncho today!’ ‘Ranger 1 to Ranger 2 – leave the girls alone and go do something.’ ‘If I wanted to be hot, I’d light myself on fire.’

2. You can’t shirk the work. There is simply too much to do, and all hands are needed. That being said, it is totally appropriate to help young camp staff members feel included by giving them very important tasks that you do not want to do. Need someone to rub lard on a watermelon? Sounds like a job for the young people! That stuff will NOT come off. Hey, young people, go catch that snake swimming across the pool. Put it in a bucket and take it to the Ecology people.

The last one. Number 1. Cherish it. The long hours, the sweat, the blood, the tears, the fights, the exhaustion, the sunburn, the mosquitoes. Everything. Camp was the first place I really felt like I belonged (I was 20). I still feel that every time I drive onto the property. There is something joked about every year at the end of year party. If you ask staff on the last day of camp (typically after they have been working for 3 days straight to clean and close) if they are going to return, many are reluctant. ‘I don’t know.’ Fast forward 4-5 days to the party. Everyone has eaten a few regular meals, slept in their own bed, and is starting to decompress from the constant fear of impending prank. Ask them if they are coming back. Yeah, of course. They already miss it.

Camp Staff is a family. A big, messy, blended family. A family where whether you are 20 or 60, you are counted as a friend. Going back after 16 years was strange. It was great to be back, but also bitter sweet. I was only there in the mornings, and only in the kitchen. I loved seeing the new staff continuing to carry the mantle. Sad because I wasn’t truly a part of it anymore. Except that every time I step foot on camp, I know there was a time I belonged. And in a way I always will.

If you remember your own camp staff experience (or something similar) like and share and drop a comment!

Quirky Thoughts

You know, for someone who works really hard to stay positive, to try to see a variety of perspectives, and who usually succeeds – I have my fair share of rage. I usually hide it. Most people don’t know about my rage. Its not really secret. More private. And I tend to use a really bright, cheerful tone when ranting in my rage spiral. I hope that doesn’t make me a crazy person – but, here we are!

For the purposes of this post, I’m not talking about rational rage (and boy, there is SO MUCH of that – people who hurt each other because they can or because they are too selfish to see, people who remain ignorant because its too uncomfortable to face reality, turning the other way or blaming those in pain because it means you don’t have to do anything. . . . . And I’m getting onto a different track.)

So, we’ll call this my ‘irrational rage.’ Events that just make me crazy – that most people either don’t notice or can deal with like their normal and stuff.

  • People who comment on internet recipes saying ‘I’m never going to make this.’ Or! ‘I can’t make this, I can’t have dairy.’ WHY WAS IT NECESSARY TO WRITE THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!
  • Side note: People who ask for very simple recipe substitutions on blog post comments. GOOGLE PEOPLE. GOOGLE. You are going to get more options with less judging. Also, just assume its Chicken stock.
  • People who assume whatever magic diet worked for them works for everyone. Lose weight? Gain energy? Fight off alien parasites? Become low-key superhero? They have the answer. Now – I am a firm believer that if it works for them, great! I am very excited for them. But, no, I don’t want to hear about it. I have a great deal of health information that for some reason I haven’t shared with you – and while you may be well-researched in your preferred diet, you don’t know me. I do. Also, I have heard AT LEAST 8 versions of the diet that will definitely ‘fix’ me. Some from doctors, some from books, some from people. I’ve tried the ones that made sense to me – did not work. But the ‘ragey’ part comes when people say ‘but for SURE this one will definitely work!!!’ You know what? That’s what they all say. I don’t believe you. This one makes me snort hot air out of my nose.
  • Target being out of sour cream 4 weeks in a row. Seriously?
  • Target stocking in general. I’ve gone in the mornings, the afternoons, the evenings. I can’t seem to find a time they aren’t blocking half the store with stocking carts. And staff who don’t seem to see any of those pesky customers trying to work around them.
  • Chipmunks who systematically steal my best tomatoes but only eat two bites and leave them on the ground. Those stripey little bastards.
  • PEOPLE WHO DON’T USE TURN SIGNALS.
  • Turn Signals 2.0 – People who slow down 4 miles before their turn and basically come to stop before turning. Commit to your turn and go already!
  • That house in the neighborhood with a doggy door, so their two dogs can run out and bark endlessly at everyone who walks by on the sidewalk. Every. Damn. Time.
  • Teenagers/young people who talk condescendingly to you just because you haven’t crushed them with your knowledge and experience. Yet.
  • Amazon search engine results that somehow think when I search for a pair of dress sandals what I really want is skanky lingerie. Really?
  • Relationship advice articles that tell me all the things I’m doing wrong. Then I have to admit to my husband all of may complete failings. Then we laugh. But there’s still rage in there. There isn’t a ‘right way’ to have a good relationship. Kindness. Respect. Humor. The end.
  • And while we’re on articles. Dating and sex advice articles clearly written by a sociopath conducting some kind of wide-scale longitudinal study for research and/or amusement.
  • Oh! Oh! More articles! Angry hairdressers/wait staff/chefs, etc. ’10 things your [insert angry profession here] wishes you would stop doing.’ Sure, there are some super common sense things. But some stuff is just ridiculous. Like why I should always tip 20% even for bad service because its probably not the server’s fault. Nope! I’m a pretty generous tipper – and I do understand when things are busy and get a little long. But when you can’t manage to be polite or attentive – its just not my problem.
  • Lifeguards ignoring basic safety issues! This one is also heavily on the management, because if you have one good guard, they’ll get a ton of complaints if they are the only one maintaining order. Most pool goers are far more concerned with having fun than safety. Until someone gets hurt, then they are mad rules weren’t maintained. People are kinda the worst sometimes. So, lifeguards! Here’s your partial but incomplete list of stuff you have to stop ignoring:
  1. No play involving grabbing the head/neck.
  2. No sitting on the shoulders of someone else.
  3. No flips off the side.
  4. Children in floaties should be accompanied by a parent – not just given run of the pool.
  5. Children should not be allowed to slow themselves down in the slide, or stop, or switch positions, or make trains. Its super easy to tell when they are doing it.
  6. No throwing children high into the air so they can come down head first in 4 1/2 feet of water. That’s a shallow water dive you moron. Spinal Cord Injury 101.
  7. Parents are the worst. Grow a pair and be prepared to tell them what to do too. You can definitely be polite about it – but if you are responsible enough to keep people alive, you should be able to express yourself with some confidence.

  • Back to the rest.
  • Mean, judgy mommies. Online or in real life.
  • Mommy bloggers who come up with complicated systems/stories/lies to get children to pick up their toys because ‘I don’t want to be the bad guy.’ For goodness sake! BE THE BAD GUY SOMETIMES! Its called discipline and respect.

Ok. That’s enough rage for today. Please join me in purging the rage by watching this baby elephant chase birds.

Sometimes you just have to spew! (Not S.P.E.W. – which of course, is totally different). Now I’m done. And I feel better.

Like and share and stuff (ok – having to post this is a tiny rage because I hate having to remember it).

Take care people,

Kim

Life Logic Quirky Thoughts

Ok, y’all.  It is time to tell you about one of my very most favorite shows ever.

Deep Breath.

 

Oooooh, its so good.  So, so good.

Disclaimer: It is ESSENTIAL that you do not take this seriously.  I mean, take my love for this show seriously – because it is super serious.  But the show you must watch purely for entertainment.  And it is amazing.  Also I’ve only watched the first 3-4 seasons.  Then they started some ‘other team’ nonsense and I just want to watch the monsters.

So, what’s the deal?  This show is about professional hillbillies.  Let that sink in a minute.  PROFESSIONAL HILLBILLIES.  Sigh.  I’m already on board.

So these professional hillbillies (squeeeeee!) run around West Virginia hunting down these ‘Mountain Monsters’ (do you get it?  Its the name of the show, and there are monsters in the mountains.  Get it?!?!?!?!)

Let’s go through the cast of characters:

This guy is Trapper.  He’s in charge.  His beard gets longer and more grizzled over the seasons in what I can only assume is marketing screaming ‘MORE HILLBILLY.’  He’s sort of reasonable, but is very easily convinced that everything is proof.

This is Huckleberry.  He’s billed as ‘security’ but I am not really sure what that means.  He appears to be wearing his grandma’s hat and I really wish he lived next door to me because I’m pretty sure he’s the kind of guy who would sneak my dog hotdogs and I would take him cookies.  He’s the biggest (probably how he ended up security), so sometimes they make him stand where the monsters were sited for size comparison.  One time he had to take his boots off and compare his feet to the bigfoot prints.

This is Jeff.  He is the researcher of the group.  He uses words like ‘bipedal’ and confuses everyone.  Then they laugh at him.  He uses a thermal camera instead of a gun, and catches exactly NOTHING with it.

Buck is a little bit of a puzzle.  He’s a solid generation younger than everyone else, and a self-described ‘husky ninja.’  I think he’s gunning for Trapper’s job.  He uses full sentences.

Willy is the ‘trap builder.’  He builds an elaborate trap every episode to catch the monster.  Custom designed and full of redneck ingenuity.  I bet in high school he was voted ‘Most Likely to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse.’

How do I describe Wild Bill?  Well, he’s Willy’s assistant in trap building – which also means I’m pretty sure Willy is his ‘handler.’  Wild Bill is crazy in a mostly harmless way and I’m pretty sure I would also take him cookies if he lived in the neighborhood.  He’s good to have around if you need someone to climb your trees with a chainsaw.

So that’s the team.

Now for the monsters.  I’m not going to show them all, but these are genuine screen shots from the show.  I know because I remember seeing them.

The Bloodless Howler

Sheepsquatch (Sheepsquatch!!!!!!!)

Mothman.  Now this one is interesting.  The townsfolk take Mothman really, really (really) seriously.  How seriously?

Oh, just a statue in town.  But wait!  There’s more!

Christmas ornaments of the statue in the town!!!

It’s never to early to think of Stocking Stuffers!

So here’s how it goes.  The show usually starts with 3-4 members of the team (usually not including Willy or Wild Bill) are in a truck driving to the new location.  Trapper lays out what monster we are looking for.  Jeff interjects with his research.  We get one of the awesome images seen above as a reference.

We visit Witness #1.  This is generally some kind of landowner who has seen this thing.  He describes it and takes the team to where he saw it (this is where Huckleberry sometimes has to go pretend to be the monster).

Next!  We visit Witness #2.  He often has a name like Boon-doggy or Racoon.  He is generally wearing camo or buffalo plaid, or both.  He has a trail cam photo of the beast.  It is most definitely not altered in any way.

Then!  We visit Witness #3.  He’s usually cut from the same cloth as Witness #2, but not always.  He’s generally been running around on his four-wheeler and captured video.  VIDEO!  Terrible video that is also MOST DEFINITELY NOT ALTERED!

Willy and Wild Bill are informed, and they begin work on the trap.  Anytime Wild Bill speaks-  pay attention.

**At some point commercials will come on.  At least one will be absolutely aimed at Doomsday Preppers.  You will be offered a year’s supply of food that will keep for 700 years.  Its expensive but I kind of want to buy it anyways. 

Night one: Tracking the monster.  They will find a track.  It was made by pressing a mold into the dirt.  They will likely find a pile of brush.  It is now a nest.  Sounds, running around.  Awesome.

Night two: The Hunt.  These hillbillies are described as expert hunters.  Now, I am not doubting that, but I am saying they aren’t necessarily using their skills.  I’m pretty sure roaring through the woods on Side-by-Sides (Golf cart and four wheeler have a baby) yelling at the top of your lungs is not common hunting technique.  They chase the monster to the trap.

The trap fails epically.  They conclude they are successful anyways (BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO).

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I created a score card for viewing episodes.  Its really designed to compare episodes – but you could also make it into bingo for endless fun.

Mountain Monsters Viewing Score Sheet

Episode:____________________________________________

  • Eye witness with weird name
  • Eye witness wearing camo
  • Wild Bill mentions being a marine
  • Wild Bill gets subtitled
  • Wild Bill calls someone ‘brother’
  • Clearly altered ‘footage’ accepted as excellent evidence
  • Someone says ‘I see ________’ because they see movement, as if this is a fact
  • Fake tracks
  • Trapper makes Buck do something awkward or uncomfortable, everyone laughs
  • They find ‘the nest’
  • Willy says ‘I’ve never made a trap like this before’
  • Wild Bill says ‘I am a weapon’ (counts double if subtitled)
  • Wild Bill climbs something unsafely
  • Someone yells as if there is actual danger
  • Trap fails to catch anything
  • Trap catches something, they won’t show us what
  • Buck crack
  • ‘We ain’t alone in these woods’
  • Guns are fired
  • Wild Bill says ‘Hoo-ah’
  • ‘It sounded big’
  • Eye witness says ‘I’ve never seen anything like it’
  • Moonshine reference
  • Jeff uses terminology no one else understands
  • Will Bill says ‘We’re gonna throw some rounds down range.’
  • Team decides they have scared the creature away forever.
  • ‘We’re closin’ in on ‘im!’
  • ‘This is going to be dangerous.’
  • Trapper says, ‘I’ve never seen anything like it.’
  • Someone mentions ‘the holler.’
  • Trapper suddenly decides there is more than one monster.
  • Trapper ends episode claiming they have ‘proven’ the existence, despite no actual evidence or proof.

Bonus 1000 points: They actually catch and show the thing they are trying to catch.

Second Disclaimer: Do NOT turn this into a drinking game.  You will definitely die.

 

Definitely watch Mountain Monsters.

Like and share my friends.  Don’t hide this knowledge under a basket.

Quirky Thoughts

Dear Food Network

I love you. I really do. I rarely watch TV, and when I do, it usually Food Network (unless Graham Norton is on, or there’s a new Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee). I love getting new ideas and being inspired to try new things.

That being said, I have some grievances. And while I tried to be understanding and overlook them, I realized that that’s not actually who I am. No, small annoyances become focal points and now I just can’t look away.

Here’s my Top Ten:

  1. Continually referencing which olive oil I should use at which point in a recipe. I have one kind. I use it all the time, and its almost the only oil I use. But ONE KIND. I love to cook – its one of my favorite things. And I am actually pretty darn good at it. Yet still, I do not have the mental energy available to source and maintain a multi-olive oil pantry. Besides, its not even that you reference it. Its that you reference it with the smug assumption that OF COURSE we all have a vast array of oils to choose from.

     

9. ‘Add lemon juice. Fresh squeezed of course.’ Subtext: ‘What kind of plebian Neanderthal are you, buying bottled lemon juice.’ Answer: smart. Because lemons cost like $.50 each and last about 5 days. A Huge bottle of lemon juice costs a few bucks and you can pass it down to your grandchildren. Sure, I’ll use fresh if I happen to have it (or if I’m making margaritas because I know right from wrong). If not- I’ll use bottled and you can keep your judgment TO YOURSELF

8. ‘Add Black Pepper – fresh ground. Always fresh ground.’ I’LL USE WHATEVER PEPPER I WANT AND I CAN’T EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE. Whew. Got a little shouty there. I feel better.

7. ‘Ask your fish monger . . . . ‘ Dude. I live in Iowa. Fish is purchased in the frozen section. And even when buying fresh fish (which is occasionally available at the supermarket), there is no fish monger. There’s guys at the meat counter (who are mostly also from Iowa) who aren’t going to answer your fancy ‘fish monger’ questions. And besides that – they are mostly selling stuff that was frozen and is now thaw. And now I can’t eat mussels anymore.

And while we’re at it: ‘There’s nothing like fresh shrimp, doesn’t even compare to frozen.’ Super for you. See above.

6. ‘Don’t cook with any wine you wouldn’t drink.’ Hahahahahahahahaha. I think you are overestimating my discretion as to the quality of wine I will drink. Then, sometimes they follow it up with ‘there are plenty of good options at around $15, there’s no need to spend a ton of money.’ Ok guys, let’s get a little real here. $15 is quite a bit to spend on a bottle of wine in my world. I do pay that much on occasion, but if I am cooking, I am using this little baby.

Why? Its $5 and fits neatly in my fridge. Love it. No shame.

5. ‘This recipe is great because its things you probably have in your pantry!’ Cue the recipe, which includes lemons, limes (for fresh squeezing!), dried currants, capers, San Marzano tomatoes, three kinds of pesto, six kinds of olives, magic beans, and tahini. Guess what I have in my pantry? None of that. Now, I consider my pantry to be reasonably well stocked (ok, not right this second because its summer and the kids are home and I’m losing my mind – but usually), and not only do I not have those things on hand – I never ever purchase any of them.

4. ‘Ask your butcher. . . . ‘ Ok, around here meat is king. Specifically pork and beef. Without too much effort I could get a whole pig or a half a cow directly from the farmer. I love working with a butcher to get a huge pile of meat for my freezer. Going to get a roast cut specially, or certain kinds of steaks, etc on a weekly basis. No. I have things to do.

3. Cupcake wars. Must we really battle over baked goods? I’m just kind of sick of everything becoming a competition fight to the death. Also ‘war’? Really?

2. ‘Now I’m adding this great Manchego cheese. Its one of my favorites. . . . ‘ its also more than $17 a pound! Sheesh! Let’s be real. Cheddar, Mo-Jack, Swiss, Mozzarella. I’m not saying you can’t use other cheeses, but you gotta tell us which one of these would be the best substitute. And while we’re at it, I’m just going to go on record that I don’t need your advice on how to set up a cheese plate for my next dinner party. To date, I have never made a cheese plate, have never heard a guest wish there was a cheese plate, or longed to know how to make a cheese plate. Please note: a cheese plate is not the same as a cheese tray, which is rows of sliced cheddar, mo-jack, co-jack, and swiss. Sometimes gouda if you are going wild and showing off a bit. Served with Ritz crackers and sliced summer sausage. Those are pretty popular.

1. BUDGET SHOWS MADE BY RICH PEOPLE. Seriously. I can’t watch another ‘Budget’ episode where they teach me about how to make meatloaf. I have a rule about not rolling my eyes and you are TESTING ME. Get a real person on a real budget to consult on this. Its not that I don’t trust Geoffrey in his cashmere blazer with coordinating tie and pocket square to be on-point with budget issues . . . . (sighing loudly) . . . . but maybe someone else. And no more meatloaf.

Also, even thought I am out of numbers: Chopped. Not the show (so much), but why all the time? WHY ALL THE TIME?????? Maybe, just maybe squeeze one cooking show in on occasion????

Well, I feel better now that my grievances have been aired. Oh wait, one more thing.

Bonus: People who comment on internet recipes to ask what you can substitute for wine/liquor in the recipe. Its chicken stock. Its always chicken stock. This is what google is for. Or perhaps my favorite internet recipe comment, ‘I’m not going to make this.’ Why the actual hell did you feel the need to write that down?

Well, I suggest you all go check your pantries for capers, kumquats, and magic beans.

Toodles,

Kim

(don’t forget to like and share!)

Quirky Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I named my dog after Eleanor Roosevelt.  I felt I should give her as much dignity as I could while I had the opportunity.

Today, I decided to interview Eleanor about her life and times.

Me: Hello Eleanor

E: Hi mommy

M: Please sit.  Not on my fee . . . . . .

E: I sit on your feet.

M: Yes I know.

E: Love you Mommy

M: Love you too.  Now, maybe we can talk about the socks in the yard.

E: No thank you.

M: Eleanor, how many pairs of socks did you eat this week?

E: None mommy

M: Eleanor

E: No pairs of socks mommy

M: (sigh) You ate all singles, didn’t you.

E: Maybe a little bit

M:

E: Love you mommy

M:Ok, how about another question.  What’s your favorite toy?

E: Green snaky squeaky.  I kill

M: Yes, you are very fierce.

E: Fierce Eleanor.  Kill snaky squeaky.  Protect family.

M: Will you protect us against other things?

E: Yes Mommy

M: How about cats?

E: No, Mommy.  Cats is scary.

M: Seriously.

E: I want treat bin

M: You don’t have a treat bin

E: Under place with people food dishes

M: We’ve talked about the garbage.

E: Yes.  Want garbage.

M: No garbage.  (blows nose)

E: I have

M: What?

E: I have

M: No, you may not have my tissue, that’s gross.

E: I have

M: Do you purposely push down as hard as you can when you put your head on my knee?

E: Yes Mommy

M: And why?

E: Love you mommy

M: Love you too Eleanor.  No you may NOT have the tissue.

E: Go walk

M: You want to go for a walk?

E: YES!!!!  YES YES YES!!!

M: Are we going to get a block from home and you are going to sit down on the sidewalk and refuse to move?

E: No Mommy

M: Eleanor.  Perhaps I should reference ‘every walk we’ve taken in the past month.’

E: Love you mommy.

M: (sigh).  I guess we’ll sign off from here.  Who is a good girl?

E: I am a good girl mommy. Go lay bright shiny.

M: Yes     you are.  Go lay bright shiny.

Quirky Thoughts

Greetings and Good Fortune!

I’m trying to work out a ‘signature greeting’ – as you can tell, this isn’t going to be it.  However, ‘how’s it hanging’ is probably not it either – too chancy on the responses.

Anywaaaaaaays. . . . .

I thought I would fill you in on one of the (many) things that will eventually make me rich and famous.  Pretty sure.  Its called Humanity Bingo, or alternately, People Watching Bingo.

So my primary human co-habitant (aka: husband) and I first came upon this idea at the St. Louis Zoo, on a stop while on vacation last year.  Whenever we are together, without children to filter for, we generally like to do a bit of people watching.  As it turns out, the St. Louis Zoo is a pretty good place to go!

I’ll get back to that – because ordinarily I don’t just write about things that happened 18 months ago.  You see, recently, we took the family to Adventureland.  Now, for the one of you not from Iowa, Adventureland is a theme park somewhere in between six flags and Carny-ville.  Its actually pretty fun, and my kids love it.  We stay on the dry side (except for the fact that it rained the whole day), so I am not referring to the attached water park.  Now, Adventureland also has some QUALITY people watching.  Not quite up to the level available at, say, Walmart or the State Fair, but still pretty good.

In any case, it brought up the whole subject of Humanity Bingo again.  So, here’s how it will work.  I will make up your standard issue BINGO style cards and sell them via ‘ye olde internet.’  Then, all of the grateful people-watchers will challenge friends and family for fabulous prizes*

(*you have to buy your own fabulous prizes)

I know what you are thinking, ‘What on earth are you even talking about?’

I see how your are.  You need examples:

  • Teenager who spent hours getting ready and is trying to pass it off as ‘didn’t even try.’
  • Person who vastly misunderstood the dress code for this event.
  • Person who clearly doesn’t understand what temperature it is.
  • Lady in work-out clothes. . . . And full hair and makeup.  (I love workout clothes as much as the next person, but lets face it – it looks kind of silly to have your hair and makeup fully done too.)
  • Screen zombie (in our family, this is what we refer to when someone is so glued to their ‘screen’ they have no clue what’s going on around them.  You can often find them in crosswalks of busy streets in an event I like to call ‘natural selection.’)
  • Mad Grandma who didn’t want to watch the kids today.
  • Lady who feels super high heels are ALWAYS appropriate (note: we actually saw Mad Grandma wearing the high heels, and couldn’t help but wonder if she would have been less mad in sensible shoes).
  • Parents who appear to be attempting to ‘lose’ one or more of their children.
  • Pajamas as clothes
  • Swimwear as clothes (note: this doesn’t count at a water-based event!!  Note on that note: unless the water-based event is a trip to the aquarium, then it totally counts)
Obviously we still need to add just a few more.  Then, its time for the riches to roll in.  Don’t worry, I won’t forget you.  Either one of you!
Don’t forget to LIKE and SHARE.  Also LIKE and SHARE the page,  Oh – and the facebook page too.
My husband tells me I need to get on Twitter too, but I haven’t, so don’t bother going there just yet.

Quirky Thoughts

Greetings!  So its been a while since I’ve written anything, but hey!  Life’s been busy and the Publisher’s Clearinghouse people haven’t found my house yet, so I still go to work every day.

Except last week, when I totally didn’t.

Because last week was.

 

Duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

VACATION!!!

 

4 Days in beautiful and sunny Key West!

greetings-from-key-west

You know where this mural is?  Its on the side of this dumpy little shack called the Cuban Coffee Queen.  I know this because I spent a LOT of time at the Cuban Coffee Queen and if you ever go to Key West, you should too.  Ok, so the guy called me ‘Sweetheart’ often enough to make Matt look like he had a pufferfish in his undershorts, but hey – that’s how they roll!

Ok, since I figure I’m pretty much an expert on Key West now (4 DAYS), I’m going to give you all the low-down.  You know, the inside scoop.  I know stuff man.

First of all, there’s this place.

whistle bar

Just one of the many bars on Duval (which is Key West’s version of Beale Street (Memphis) or Bourbon Street (New Orleans)).  Oh, except for one little thing.  Clothing optional upstairs.  Woo hoo?  And no, before you ask, we did not stumble in by accident (or on purpose).  There was a handy sign.

Picture4

You know, so we could point and snicker like 7th graders.  Don’t laugh, I’ll tell you where it is, just head South on Greene until you hit Duval, then turn left and walk till you see it.  I know you’re out there taking notes.

Ok, and some local color!  Like this fellow.  Affectionately known as the ‘Sponge Man.’  So adorable!

Picture5

He’s so cute!  And he’s really, truly there as a tourist attraction, not to, you know, suck out your soul or anything.  (He totally sucks out your soul, but that’s not why here’s there.)  And!  He’s got a brother a few blocks away!  Awesome!  Almost like he’s following you.

(Holy crap, I think he was following us).

And no visit to Key West would be complete without a visit to the Southernmost Point in the USA.  Hmmm, how will we ever find it?

Southernmost-Point

Oh hey!  I’ll bet that’s it.  Heeeeyyyyy, wait a second.  I see a problem here.

That problem is. . . .

smost with arrow

See that corner?  Its clearly more ‘Southernmost’ than the ‘Southernmost Point.’

Here, I took a better picture.

southernmost southernmost point

Behold!  The majestic ‘Southernmost Point’ in the USA!

Ok, except for that other point off to the side with the giant golf ball on it.  Apparently, the government has a gigantic listening device on a spit of land that is actually slightly more southern than the ‘Southernmost Point’ or even the ‘Actual Southernmost Point.’  Which just goes to show once again that ‘government reality’ and ‘the rest of us reality’ aren’t usually the same thing.  I didn’t mention this out loud down there on account of the giant golf-ball listening device.

There are actually some cool sights near the ‘Southernmost Point.’  For example, the ‘Southernmost House.’  Google it.  No wait, don’t leave me.  Here, I have a picture.

Southernmost_House

I didn’t really take this picture, the Google did.  Because its taken from out on the ocean, and I can’t walk on the water.

You know what I found just to the side of this house?  In a sort of ‘southerly’ direction?

You guessed it!

Picture6

That’s right!  Another house!  And apparently, they are a little peeved about the whole thing.  Peeved enough to create a plaque, and then post it on their fence.  I bet neighborhood block parties are pretty awkward. . . .

Ok, I did say this was an abbreviated travel-logue, and this is getting kind of long.  Here’s some short pointers.

  • Sloppy Joe’s is a cool bar where Hemmingway hung out.  Its really loud there.
  • Key Lime pie is disgusting.  Seriously – gross.  (Ok, my opinion.  Some people think its good).
  • The $5 t-shirt/hat/bag/dress/shorts and the $15 t-shirt/hat/bag/dress/shorts are EXACTLY THE SAME.
  • Cuban Coffee Queen.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • TOP NOTCH PEOPLE WATCHING.  This really cannot be overstated.  Matt and I had to start developing a new version of Humanity Bingo.
  • If you go to the beach, you may see an old guy wearing a swimming suit that looks like a cross between a coin purse and a pair of suspenders.  Tell him we said ‘hi.’
  • Its actually really safe there.  Despite all the drunk people, we only saw one confrontation, and that was a guy trying to pick a fight with a police office, who was calmly not participating in his fun.
  • Do NOT feed the iguanas.
  • There are lots and lots of chickens.  If you don’t see them, you’ll hear ’em.
  • If you take young children, be prepared to explain a lot of things you thought would wait a few more years.
  • Do not go to Key West during something called ‘Fantasy Fest’ in late October.  Wonder why?  Google it – I dare you.  I don’t post those kinds of pictures.

You will also see lots of these signs:

Picture7

Don’t worry, no one pays attention, and literally no one cares.

See you there next time!

Quirky Thoughts

Let me start by saying I have never seen ‘The Bachelor.’  Not even one episode.  Not even one part of one episode.  If you are a fan – have fun, its just not my thing.  I do see commercials, so I figure I’ve got the gist of it.

Now, there’s a lot of kerfuffle about the fact that the current ‘Bachelor’ is a farmer from Iowa.  Super.  And since we all know that the best way to find true love is a televised game show where the contestant dates multiple individuals in front of their competitors, you can see why the couples have been so successful.

Wait, what?  Who decided this was a good idea?

My husband is not a farmer, but he did grow up on a farm, doing farmer-y stuff (and that occurred in Iowa), so I’m going to use him as a reference.

This is my imaginary version of what an average Iowa farmer would be like on ‘The Bachelor.’  Ok, so its really ‘what would my husband have been like on ‘The Bachelor.’ If he was not married to me, which he is.’

Producer: ‘Ok, Matt.  We’ve got 25 ladies here who will be competing to win your heart.  You’ll get to know them a little bit, eliminate them, and then propose to the final remaining lady.’

Matt: ‘Propose?  As in marriage?  How many months am I going to be on this show?’

Producer: ‘Its just a few weeks.  Actually, we already have someone picked out for you.  Just play along.’

Matt: ‘My mother put you up to this, didn’t she?’

Producer: ‘Um, no.  Its just how we make the show.’

Matt: ‘Ok, lets get this over with.’

The ladies arrive, each desperate to get her face on camera to launch her ‘acting’ career get a rose and eventually win Matt’s heart.  They make bad jokes and wear painful-looking shoes.  The smell of perfume and hairspray becomes overwhelming.

Matt: ‘Thank you all for coming!  Excuse me a moment.’

(to producer): ‘Psst.  Hey.’

Producer: ‘What?  You’re in the middle of your initial meeting.’

Matt: ‘How many of these people do I have to keep around?’

Producer: ’15’

Matt: ‘No way – did you meet them?  They won’t stop smiling.  Four of them think I raise potatoes.  I’m pretty sure at least half were trying to get a whiff to see if I smell bad.  And what’s with the shoes???’

Producer: ‘Fine.  You can pick 10, as long as these three are in the mix.’

Matt: ‘Why?  That one won’t stop giggling, and that red-head seems to think EVERYONE smells bad.’

Producer: ‘Its good TV, just do as you’re told, you’ve got a contract.’

Matt returns to the ladies and hands out roses to the ones he thinks he can stand another few days.  He surreptitiously attempts to hide one of his 10 roses, but the producer gives him the stink-eye, so he hands it out to Annoying Giggler.

Fast forward to group date.  Matt is hanging out with 6 ladies, including the three the producer told him he was contractually obligated to include.  The producers suggested a trip to Bermuda.  Matt stood firm, and set up a bonfire and hayride.  After enduring several hours of complaints about dust and chaffing, Matt launches into a series of stories about adventures in hay baling.  The ladies do not seem impressed by exactly where chaff can become lodged, or in what color your phlegm turns. 

Lady #1: ‘What’s that smell?’

Matt: ‘Fresh cut alfalfa.  Best smell in the world.’

Lady #2: ‘Is that the grassy sort of smell?  Yuck.  What on earth is that stink?’

Matt: ‘Smell of money.’

Lady #2: ‘Come again?’

Lady #6: giggles

Matt (rolls eyes, takes deep breath): ‘Its cow manure.’

Lady #3: ‘Ew!  Why is it everywhere?  How does anyone stand the smell?’

Matt: ‘Uh, ok, biology lesson.  Cattle eat.  Cattle poop.  Actually, Everybody Poops.  My nephew has a book – you can look at it. ‘

Later, at the bonfire, three ladies appear to be jockeying for snuggling position.  One decides to flatter Matt. 

Lady #4: ‘So, you must build up some great muscles with all this physical work.’

Matt: ‘I dunno, I guess.  Its a lot of driving machinery, trying not to get kicked by a steer, and keeping the manure out of your mouth when you’re cleaning the yard.’

Lady #5: ‘Oh, you cannot be serious.  Manure in your mouth?  You are joking, that never happened to you.’

Matt: ‘It happens to everyone, regularly.’

Lady #6: giggles

Snuggle time over.  Matt congratulates himself, but gets the hairy-eyeball from the producers.

Matt has been reminded he is contractually obligated to charm these ladies.  A cocktail party has been arranged with the final 4 and Matt’s friends and family.  The producer has taken to locking up the roses prior to elimination, as Matt keeps claiming he can’t find half of them. 

The ladies crowd around Matt, trying to win points. 

Matt: ‘So, are you ladies having a good time?’

Lady #1: ‘Oh, its so nice to meet your friends.  I think I fit in so well with them.  You’ll love California, where I live.  You’ll be so enchanted you’ll want to move there immediately!’

Lady #2: ‘Why is everyone laughing so loud?’

Matt: ‘I believe they are having fun.’

Lady #3: ‘I asked for champagne at the bar, but that guy just looked at me funny.’

Lady #4: giggles

Matt (taking deep breath): ‘Hey!  Stay right here.’

Lady #1: ‘Why?’

Matt: ‘Cause I’m going to go over there.’

Producer: ‘What are you doing? Go be charming’

Matt: ‘The most charming I can be at the moment is absent.  Seriously, if you think I’m going to marry one of these people, you’re nuts.’

Producer: ‘What’s the big deal?  They’re gorgeous and want to marry you.’

Matt: ‘Rather be single.  I’m just going to yell ‘Plot Twist!’ and then run away, ok?’

Producer: ‘NO!’

Matt: ‘Plot Twist!’

And then Matt ran off into the sunset to get the last of the expensive perfume smell out of his nose.  As he breathed in the smell of alfalfa and manure, he decided to reconsider that girl he met who said she could beat him in arm wrestling.

 

Movie Logic Quirky Thoughts

Ok, I admit it.  I’m a little late to the party with this zombie apocalypse thing.  Its mostly because I don’t ‘do’ scary stuff, and I think zombies are really silly and would smell terrible.

I mean, really, the fact that zombies are just mindless walking meat-sacks means they are incredibly vulnerable to heat, cold, and continued decomposition.  LOGIC!!  I love logic.  I’ll be honest, you’d have to be really stupid to succumb to a zombie infestation, and that, children, is what we call ‘natural selection.’

However, for kicks and giggles, I shall play along.  Let’s assume something close to the whole ‘Walking Dead’ universe.  No – I don’t watch ‘The Walking Dead’ – why would you even ask that?  Logic aside, I like to sleep at night, and gross stuff tends to set my already overactive imagination to ’eminent core meltdown.’

Its not like my husband and I have ever had long conversations about the best weapons to utilize, should the whole zombie thing come to pass.  (Just for reference – my money’s on this one)

Naginata

That, my friends, is a naginata.  Razor sharp 18 inch blade on top of a 5-6 foot staff.  Combination pole arm (good for maintaining distance, equalizer in combat) and bladed weapon (good for beheadings and stuff).  Quiet.  Does not need ammunition.  Staff end can be used for non-beheading attack.  At least, that’s what I would say if I had ever given any thought to it.  Which, of course, I have not. . . . .

Hey look!  I learned to include pictures in blog posts!

Ok, back to the matter at hand.

The key to surviving our theoretical zombie apocalypse is really on the people you have with you.  Its survival time, not fluffy bunny warm and fuzzy time.  I could say something about how ordinary people do extraordinary things in extraordinary circumstances, and blah blah blah.  Not here!  Go watch Nightline or something.

I’m reviewing the chances of a few of our ‘favorite’ television personalities, and whether or not I’m going to keep them around, when the zombies make their move. I put ‘favorite’ in ‘quotations’ because a few of these are just one good-quality publicist away from being on the Jersey Shore.  Note: the Jersey Shore did not make the list, because I’m pretty sure they’ve already been overrun.

Speaking of which.

 

A Kardashian: These are interchangeable to me, so take your pick.  My dearest wish is that the world will collectively just stop paying attention to these people (seriously!!!  WHAT DO THEY DO?????).  How would they fare in the zombie apocalypse?  Honestly, they’ll be the first to go.  They’ll see media reporters filming the zombie horde, and they will fling themselves in front of that same camera because they can’t help themselves.  Bam!  Zombiefied.  How do you tell a zombie Kardashian from a regular Kardashian?  No idea – I assume the live ones smell better, so I’d go with that.

Those guys from ESPN College Gameday: Basic understanding of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as comes to strategy.  Extensive knowledge of athletics and athletic maneuvers (I’m talking about football, not shifting your undergarments, guys).  Easily distracted by miniscule mistakes and lengthy explanations of how things could have gone, what went wrong, and the teams statistics.  For the record: ‘number of zombies killed in two-on-one situations when its raining on a Friday and the temperature is above 70 degrees’ is not rational.  If the zombies don’t get you – your team members will.

Alex Trebek: Constantly flustered by knowing the information, but having no means of applying it in practice.  I’m sorry, Alex, that is incorrect, you must phrase your answer in the form of a question.  You should have said ‘What is ‘AHHHHH! HELP! THEY’RE COMING!’

Zac, Nick, and Aaron from Ghost Adventures: Hmmm.  Act tough, devote career to finding evidence of the supernatural.  Freak out when actually find any evidence of the supernatural.  Not putting money on your chances, fellas.

Wow, its not looking so good.  Who else can I scout around for?

Mariah Carey: Super diva behavior, not huge in the ‘brains’ department.  On the surface, this one is an easy ‘no.’  However, you have to factor in the super sonic zombie-crushing voice weapon.   Oh, and I’m pretty sure she’s one broken nail away from a full on crazy spree where she would stomp a whole battalion of zombies into dust with her pointy, pointy shoes.  I’ll let her tag along, but I’m pretty sure the team will eventually trick her into going to look for berries, and then high-tail it out of there.

Bear Grylls (a.k.a. that guy from Man Vs. Wild).  Killer survival skills.  Check.  Complete and utter disregard for personal safety.  Check.  This guy is on my team.  I’m pretty sure he’ll get taken down eventually but hopefully not before he teaches us which berries will kill us and which will just give us the runs.  Probably when trying to build a zipline across the forest out of twine, his belt, pine sap, and woven chest hair.

Pete Nelson (Treehouse Masters): Totally on my team.  No killer instinct.  Has not, to date, shown evidence of any kind of survival skills.  Extremely likeable.  Can build a ‘Swiss Family Robinson’ style tree fortress for us in less than 2 weeks.  You are in, Pete Nelson.  Try not to get too distracted hugging trees.

Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters:  I pick you!  I pick you!  Extensive knowledge of science (and explosives).  Methodical.  Ability to improvise (I saw these guys build a mechanized weapon out of stuff in a completely ordinary lumberyard, including ammunition).  I’m pretty sure Jamie’s prehensile mustache serves as an additional sensory organ as well.  All the better.  Jamie’s a bit more solid and serious.  Adam’s a bit more imaginative, yet still competent.  Both of them can help rein in Bear Grylls, who is doubtless already diving headfirst into something without checking.  We need science and fabrication on our side, and these guys are the real deal.  I think they will fare extremely well, and I will be there to see it.

 

Now, some of you are thinking ‘what about friends and family?’ That’s a whole different blog post people.  Since I don’t want to make any parties or holiday gatherings uncomfortable for all involved, a blog post that will remain in my head for all eternity.  Let’s just assume that those that make the cut are included when I say ‘my team,’ and leave it at that.

JUST LEAVE IT OK?

 

Anyways. . . . . I’ve got to go find a place in the greater Cedar Rapids area that offers naginata lessons.

Happy hunting!

 

If you chuckled or snickered, or perhaps even guffawed . . . LIKE and SHARE!  Thanks Team!

Movie Logic Quirky Thoughts

Hey There, Howdy, Good Morning and Good Evening!

I can’t help but notice that New Year’s Eve is almost upon us.  I know you are all wondering what fabulous star-studded event I’ve been asked to attend this year? I mean, super-awesome part-time bloggers and full-time regular people must get tons of A-List invitations, right?

Oh, most definitely.  This year, I selected the most impressive one.  The one that includes the hubs, my couch, sweatpants (naturally), and a glass of wine.  Possibly a movie or a marathon of Treehouse Masters.  Bedtime well before midnight, because we’re fancy like that.  Sounds pretty sweet to me.

I understand that most people like to ‘go out’ for New Year’s Eve.  I suppose that’s fine too (they frown on it if you wear sweatpants, though).  I tend to be a fairly low-key soul.

What’s the other ‘big deal?’  New Year’s Resolutions.

I’m pretty sure that 90% of resolutions fall into some form of ‘Get healthier’ ‘Eat better’ and ‘Construct a real working model of the Solar System out of cheese and glitter.’

There’s a statistic somewhere that I’m too lazy to look up about how many of those resolutions are toast by end of January.  Its a lot.  But really – there are no consequences!  ‘I said I was going to go to the gym, but I don’t go to the gym and no one knows but me and my bank account where the gym dues keep coming out anyways.’  Not bad enough.  Also not original.  I mean – you SHOULD go to the gym, as you will be healthier and feel better.  But stop making resolutions about it.  Just go do it.

I have taken the guesswork out of good New Year’s Resolutions.  (Hooray!)   Here are your options:

1. Stop being a Republican.  Or a Democrat.  Its time to be an Independent.  As in ‘Independent Thinker.’  That’s right!  You have to think for yourself for a whole year, without blindly following the rhetoric of a political group (note: any political group).  You may find yourself agreeing with one or the other pretty frequently – but do it because you had an actual thought in your head, please.

– Consequence for each instance of ‘blind following’: Watch 2 hours of Fox News.  Record each statement made.  Fact check, citing your sources, with alternate explanations and points of view (also with cited sources).  Record a reading of your results on YouTube.

2. Sing Karaoke – one time – during the year.  Get over yourself and realize a little mild embarrassment is hardly the worst thing in the world.  The sooner you have fun with it, the sooner you realize that if you are laughing, its not actually embarrassing anymore.

– Consequence: Ok, I really want to do karaoke, so one of you needs to come with me.  Its more fun with friends.  Sometimes its also Wing Night, and wings are delicious.  My husband does a great rendition of ‘The Greatest Country-Western Song’ and he can’t sing AT ALL.

3. Stop posting mean things online just to get a rise out of people, or because you are just so fascinated by how your own mean, judgmental opinion looks when typed out.  (AKA ‘being a troll’).  Now, I know no one who reads the silly crap I write would ever do this – but if you do, seriously you need to stop.  It does actually make you a horrible person.

– Consequence: Each mean comment gets you assigned to scooper duty at the dog park.  Except instead of a scooper, you have to use your hands.  And instead of a dog park its really a emu farm.  And the emus have been eating Indian Food. Don’t be caught with emu curry poo on your hands.  Be nice people!

4.  Buy a book written by me, as soon there is one, but you may have to be a little patient.

– Consequence: You will be so very happy with your new book (so would a LOT of children, if you also bought the book for them – just sayin’), and totally sad if you don’t have one.  The sadness is a pretty horrible consequence (almost in line with the emu curry poo thing).  Why would you deny yourself that happiness?

5. Use ‘your, you’re, there, their, and they’re’ CORRECTLY for a whole year.

– Consequence: Each misdeed gets you a volunteer day in the cat room at the humane society.  On bath day.

6. Compliment someone every day.  Its a nice thing to do – and it helps keep us from constantly negatively comparing others to ourselves in order to feel better. Why not compliment someone, honestly, and BOTH feel better?

– Consequence: Each time you run someone down who did nothing to deserve it, buy them a new pair of shoes.  Not because you are going to go ‘walk a mile in their shoes’ – no, that’s silly, they probably don’t wear the same size as you, and its cold out.  No.  Because new shoes are awesome, and you need to practice making people feel awesome.

7. Stop reposting ‘news’ stories on social media without checking to see if they have any basis in reality.  Just take your righteous indignation and cool it the heck down.

– Consequence: Each repost (or righteously indignant comment) that has not been fact checks gets you 24 hours as the Quirk and Logic channel on Facebook.  That’s right.  Every hour for 24 hours, you must post and only post awesome ‘Shares’ from your favorite blog, Quirk and Logic.  Also just stop doing this because it makes you look ridiculous.

8. Buy a blogger a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug.

– Consequence: My husband won’t get me one and I really want one.

 

Ok, seriously – there’s no magic equation to the perfect New Year’s resolution.  Just be nice to yourself, and to others.  Care a little about other people.  Remember that the internet is actually made up of other people too (like, with faces and stuff.  Maybe even feelings).  Do at least one nice thing for someone every day – even if its just providing an honest compliment.  Know your own worth without having to try to make someone else’s less.  Don’t wear the super high heels if you’re going out – your feet will hurt at the end of the night.  Go for the slightly more sensible pair.  Wear a lot of scarves, and hats (as long as you have a reasonably-sized head and can find them . . . . . sigh).  Be a gentleman (unless you’re a lady, then be a lady).  Eat sandwiches.  Try chocolate almond milk!  Remember your favorite game from childhood, and then buy it on Ebay.  Sigh with regret that its not as fun as you remember, and then go watch Fraggle Rock on Netflix.  Don’t get so wrapped up in concerns about what everyone else thinks of you, that you forget what YOU think of you.

 

And, buy me a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug.  Studies have shown its really fun to do.

– Consequence of NOT buying me a sparkly rainbow unicorn mug: you must LIKE and SHARE both the post and the Quirk and Logic Facebook page.  I don’t make the rules, I’m just the messenger.

Quirky Thoughts