Category: Movie Logic

Let me start by saying I have never seen ‘The Bachelor.’  Not even one episode.  Not even one part of one episode.  If you are a fan – have fun, its just not my thing.  I do see commercials, so I figure I’ve got the gist of it.

Now, there’s a lot of kerfuffle about the fact that the current ‘Bachelor’ is a farmer from Iowa.  Super.  And since we all know that the best way to find true love is a televised game show where the contestant dates multiple individuals in front of their competitors, you can see why the couples have been so successful.

Wait, what?  Who decided this was a good idea?

My husband is not a farmer, but he did grow up on a farm, doing farmer-y stuff (and that occurred in Iowa), so I’m going to use him as a reference.

This is my imaginary version of what an average Iowa farmer would be like on ‘The Bachelor.’  Ok, so its really ‘what would my husband have been like on ‘The Bachelor.’ If he was not married to me, which he is.’

Producer: ‘Ok, Matt.  We’ve got 25 ladies here who will be competing to win your heart.  You’ll get to know them a little bit, eliminate them, and then propose to the final remaining lady.’

Matt: ‘Propose?  As in marriage?  How many months am I going to be on this show?’

Producer: ‘Its just a few weeks.  Actually, we already have someone picked out for you.  Just play along.’

Matt: ‘My mother put you up to this, didn’t she?’

Producer: ‘Um, no.  Its just how we make the show.’

Matt: ‘Ok, lets get this over with.’

The ladies arrive, each desperate to get her face on camera to launch her ‘acting’ career get a rose and eventually win Matt’s heart.  They make bad jokes and wear painful-looking shoes.  The smell of perfume and hairspray becomes overwhelming.

Matt: ‘Thank you all for coming!  Excuse me a moment.’

(to producer): ‘Psst.  Hey.’

Producer: ‘What?  You’re in the middle of your initial meeting.’

Matt: ‘How many of these people do I have to keep around?’

Producer: ’15’

Matt: ‘No way – did you meet them?  They won’t stop smiling.  Four of them think I raise potatoes.  I’m pretty sure at least half were trying to get a whiff to see if I smell bad.  And what’s with the shoes???’

Producer: ‘Fine.  You can pick 10, as long as these three are in the mix.’

Matt: ‘Why?  That one won’t stop giggling, and that red-head seems to think EVERYONE smells bad.’

Producer: ‘Its good TV, just do as you’re told, you’ve got a contract.’

Matt returns to the ladies and hands out roses to the ones he thinks he can stand another few days.  He surreptitiously attempts to hide one of his 10 roses, but the producer gives him the stink-eye, so he hands it out to Annoying Giggler.

Fast forward to group date.  Matt is hanging out with 6 ladies, including the three the producer told him he was contractually obligated to include.  The producers suggested a trip to Bermuda.  Matt stood firm, and set up a bonfire and hayride.  After enduring several hours of complaints about dust and chaffing, Matt launches into a series of stories about adventures in hay baling.  The ladies do not seem impressed by exactly where chaff can become lodged, or in what color your phlegm turns. 

Lady #1: ‘What’s that smell?’

Matt: ‘Fresh cut alfalfa.  Best smell in the world.’

Lady #2: ‘Is that the grassy sort of smell?  Yuck.  What on earth is that stink?’

Matt: ‘Smell of money.’

Lady #2: ‘Come again?’

Lady #6: giggles

Matt (rolls eyes, takes deep breath): ‘Its cow manure.’

Lady #3: ‘Ew!  Why is it everywhere?  How does anyone stand the smell?’

Matt: ‘Uh, ok, biology lesson.  Cattle eat.  Cattle poop.  Actually, Everybody Poops.  My nephew has a book – you can look at it. ‘

Later, at the bonfire, three ladies appear to be jockeying for snuggling position.  One decides to flatter Matt. 

Lady #4: ‘So, you must build up some great muscles with all this physical work.’

Matt: ‘I dunno, I guess.  Its a lot of driving machinery, trying not to get kicked by a steer, and keeping the manure out of your mouth when you’re cleaning the yard.’

Lady #5: ‘Oh, you cannot be serious.  Manure in your mouth?  You are joking, that never happened to you.’

Matt: ‘It happens to everyone, regularly.’

Lady #6: giggles

Snuggle time over.  Matt congratulates himself, but gets the hairy-eyeball from the producers.

Matt has been reminded he is contractually obligated to charm these ladies.  A cocktail party has been arranged with the final 4 and Matt’s friends and family.  The producer has taken to locking up the roses prior to elimination, as Matt keeps claiming he can’t find half of them. 

The ladies crowd around Matt, trying to win points. 

Matt: ‘So, are you ladies having a good time?’

Lady #1: ‘Oh, its so nice to meet your friends.  I think I fit in so well with them.  You’ll love California, where I live.  You’ll be so enchanted you’ll want to move there immediately!’

Lady #2: ‘Why is everyone laughing so loud?’

Matt: ‘I believe they are having fun.’

Lady #3: ‘I asked for champagne at the bar, but that guy just looked at me funny.’

Lady #4: giggles

Matt (taking deep breath): ‘Hey!  Stay right here.’

Lady #1: ‘Why?’

Matt: ‘Cause I’m going to go over there.’

Producer: ‘What are you doing? Go be charming’

Matt: ‘The most charming I can be at the moment is absent.  Seriously, if you think I’m going to marry one of these people, you’re nuts.’

Producer: ‘What’s the big deal?  They’re gorgeous and want to marry you.’

Matt: ‘Rather be single.  I’m just going to yell ‘Plot Twist!’ and then run away, ok?’

Producer: ‘NO!’

Matt: ‘Plot Twist!’

And then Matt ran off into the sunset to get the last of the expensive perfume smell out of his nose.  As he breathed in the smell of alfalfa and manure, he decided to reconsider that girl he met who said she could beat him in arm wrestling.

 

Movie Logic Quirky Thoughts

Ok, I admit it.  I’m a little late to the party with this zombie apocalypse thing.  Its mostly because I don’t ‘do’ scary stuff, and I think zombies are really silly and would smell terrible.

I mean, really, the fact that zombies are just mindless walking meat-sacks means they are incredibly vulnerable to heat, cold, and continued decomposition.  LOGIC!!  I love logic.  I’ll be honest, you’d have to be really stupid to succumb to a zombie infestation, and that, children, is what we call ‘natural selection.’

However, for kicks and giggles, I shall play along.  Let’s assume something close to the whole ‘Walking Dead’ universe.  No – I don’t watch ‘The Walking Dead’ – why would you even ask that?  Logic aside, I like to sleep at night, and gross stuff tends to set my already overactive imagination to ’eminent core meltdown.’

Its not like my husband and I have ever had long conversations about the best weapons to utilize, should the whole zombie thing come to pass.  (Just for reference – my money’s on this one)

Naginata

That, my friends, is a naginata.  Razor sharp 18 inch blade on top of a 5-6 foot staff.  Combination pole arm (good for maintaining distance, equalizer in combat) and bladed weapon (good for beheadings and stuff).  Quiet.  Does not need ammunition.  Staff end can be used for non-beheading attack.  At least, that’s what I would say if I had ever given any thought to it.  Which, of course, I have not. . . . .

Hey look!  I learned to include pictures in blog posts!

Ok, back to the matter at hand.

The key to surviving our theoretical zombie apocalypse is really on the people you have with you.  Its survival time, not fluffy bunny warm and fuzzy time.  I could say something about how ordinary people do extraordinary things in extraordinary circumstances, and blah blah blah.  Not here!  Go watch Nightline or something.

I’m reviewing the chances of a few of our ‘favorite’ television personalities, and whether or not I’m going to keep them around, when the zombies make their move. I put ‘favorite’ in ‘quotations’ because a few of these are just one good-quality publicist away from being on the Jersey Shore.  Note: the Jersey Shore did not make the list, because I’m pretty sure they’ve already been overrun.

Speaking of which.

 

A Kardashian: These are interchangeable to me, so take your pick.  My dearest wish is that the world will collectively just stop paying attention to these people (seriously!!!  WHAT DO THEY DO?????).  How would they fare in the zombie apocalypse?  Honestly, they’ll be the first to go.  They’ll see media reporters filming the zombie horde, and they will fling themselves in front of that same camera because they can’t help themselves.  Bam!  Zombiefied.  How do you tell a zombie Kardashian from a regular Kardashian?  No idea – I assume the live ones smell better, so I’d go with that.

Those guys from ESPN College Gameday: Basic understanding of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as comes to strategy.  Extensive knowledge of athletics and athletic maneuvers (I’m talking about football, not shifting your undergarments, guys).  Easily distracted by miniscule mistakes and lengthy explanations of how things could have gone, what went wrong, and the teams statistics.  For the record: ‘number of zombies killed in two-on-one situations when its raining on a Friday and the temperature is above 70 degrees’ is not rational.  If the zombies don’t get you – your team members will.

Alex Trebek: Constantly flustered by knowing the information, but having no means of applying it in practice.  I’m sorry, Alex, that is incorrect, you must phrase your answer in the form of a question.  You should have said ‘What is ‘AHHHHH! HELP! THEY’RE COMING!’

Zac, Nick, and Aaron from Ghost Adventures: Hmmm.  Act tough, devote career to finding evidence of the supernatural.  Freak out when actually find any evidence of the supernatural.  Not putting money on your chances, fellas.

Wow, its not looking so good.  Who else can I scout around for?

Mariah Carey: Super diva behavior, not huge in the ‘brains’ department.  On the surface, this one is an easy ‘no.’  However, you have to factor in the super sonic zombie-crushing voice weapon.   Oh, and I’m pretty sure she’s one broken nail away from a full on crazy spree where she would stomp a whole battalion of zombies into dust with her pointy, pointy shoes.  I’ll let her tag along, but I’m pretty sure the team will eventually trick her into going to look for berries, and then high-tail it out of there.

Bear Grylls (a.k.a. that guy from Man Vs. Wild).  Killer survival skills.  Check.  Complete and utter disregard for personal safety.  Check.  This guy is on my team.  I’m pretty sure he’ll get taken down eventually but hopefully not before he teaches us which berries will kill us and which will just give us the runs.  Probably when trying to build a zipline across the forest out of twine, his belt, pine sap, and woven chest hair.

Pete Nelson (Treehouse Masters): Totally on my team.  No killer instinct.  Has not, to date, shown evidence of any kind of survival skills.  Extremely likeable.  Can build a ‘Swiss Family Robinson’ style tree fortress for us in less than 2 weeks.  You are in, Pete Nelson.  Try not to get too distracted hugging trees.

Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters:  I pick you!  I pick you!  Extensive knowledge of science (and explosives).  Methodical.  Ability to improvise (I saw these guys build a mechanized weapon out of stuff in a completely ordinary lumberyard, including ammunition).  I’m pretty sure Jamie’s prehensile mustache serves as an additional sensory organ as well.  All the better.  Jamie’s a bit more solid and serious.  Adam’s a bit more imaginative, yet still competent.  Both of them can help rein in Bear Grylls, who is doubtless already diving headfirst into something without checking.  We need science and fabrication on our side, and these guys are the real deal.  I think they will fare extremely well, and I will be there to see it.

 

Now, some of you are thinking ‘what about friends and family?’ That’s a whole different blog post people.  Since I don’t want to make any parties or holiday gatherings uncomfortable for all involved, a blog post that will remain in my head for all eternity.  Let’s just assume that those that make the cut are included when I say ‘my team,’ and leave it at that.

JUST LEAVE IT OK?

 

Anyways. . . . . I’ve got to go find a place in the greater Cedar Rapids area that offers naginata lessons.

Happy hunting!

 

If you chuckled or snickered, or perhaps even guffawed . . . LIKE and SHARE!  Thanks Team!

Movie Logic Quirky Thoughts

Ok, so this one is pretty straightforward.

Why didn’t they make a movie out of the book?

I’m pretty sure they found someone who had read the book (and I’m thinking didn’t like it all that much) and asked them for the 30 second version.

Seriously, all logical issues could be fixed if the movie had anything to do with the book other than character names.

Now, I am typically pretty ok with the changes that need to take place to adapt a book into a movie.  I know that big chunks are often left out, and the plot re-worked to cover up the holes.  I’m pretty good with all that.  Make the characters 17 instead of 11 – sure, I can roll with that.  What works in a book doesn’t always work in a movie.

Completely eliminate crucial plot points when they could have easily been added?  Um, no.

 

Every time I read Percy Jackson (Note: I am a re-reader), I think ‘It would be so cool if they would make a movie. . . . . oh.’  Even the book’s author states multiple times on his website that he has NOTHING to do with the movie.

 

I know this isn’t the only one.  Hey – I saw Ella Enchanted too.  I’m just not sure where the logic is in that argument.  ‘Hey!  You know that extraordinarily popular book that everyone loves and is making tons of money?  Let’s make a movie out of it, and more money!  And since 90% of the audience will be people who read and (theoretically) liked/loved the book, let’s make it unrecognizable too!’

Again – I’m not a purist.  I approve of most changes as needed.  Hunger Games was good.  Harry Potter movies (some of my favorite books) – excellent adaptations (except for Prisoner of Azkaban – that one bugs me).  Chronicles of Narnia – awesome.  Lord of the Rings – don’t even get me started on how amazing those are.  So much better than the books (don’t hate me book people – they just are in my opinion).  Case in point- you know what the movie doesn’t have?  Tons of singing.  And Tom Bombadil – I was super excited to NOT see him, he just weirds me out.  There are so many other examples.  Probably some of them of books for adults (I seldom bother with these).

 

It really goes back to my assertion that movie making people in Hollywood really don’t know anything about people that don’t live in Hollywood.  I’m not going to lose sleep over it because there is a very simple solution!  I just don’t watch movies that don’t look good or interesting.  I don’t feel the need to get angry or outraged – I just skip it.  Now, apparently, I did feel the need to write about the logical fallacy of it all – but that’s pretty much the extent.  Meh.

 

I’m going to go read a book now.  Hopefully one they don’t adapt into a movie.

 

 

Movie Logic

From time to time, you will find posts relating to some logical issues I have found in movies, books, tv, and other popular culture.

Today, I need to talk about Frozen, because this has been bothering me for a very long time.

Let me be clear. I LOVE Frozen.  Its probably one of the top 10 movies EVER for me.  Its fabulous and yes, we totally rock out to the soundtrack at home.

Here is the basis for my concern.

The premise of the movie has us believe that Anna has been stuck in a castle for about 13 years, bored out of her mind.  Ok, sure.  However, after Elsa’s ice magic is revealed (uh, spoiler alert, I guess), the first thing Anna does is send for her horse.  The one she is absolutely capable of riding up a mountain.  Her horse – as opposed to ‘a horse’ – the one specifically assigned to her.  Ok.  Call me crazy, but if they reduced their castle staff to around 6 people, I’m guessing one of them is not devoted to picking up horse apples in the great hall.  That girl has been outside.  I guess you could argue that there’s a courtyard or some other inclusive area where she exhaustively practiced horseback-riding on fake snow-covered mountain-simulations.  It is possible.  However, I would like to argue here that Anna HAS been out of the castle, probably on ‘tours of the kingdom’ with her parents.  She probably didn’t get to interact too much with others or she would probably not be so desperate to do so.  After all, I interact with people constantly, and my dearest wish is to be ALONE.

Anyways, my point is – she’s been outside the castle riding her horse.  Probably doing something boring, but still.

 

Second issue, also relating with the sending for the horse.  Arendelle must have the most efficient grooms in the history of everything.  Anna says ‘bring me my horse.’  She walks about 10 steps, and LO!  There is the horse.  Saddled, waiting, and someone has fetched her cloak as well.  Ok, I am not really a horse person, but my understanding is that saddling a horse requires the horse to be brushed, then comes the saddle blanket, then the saddle, all the girths and buckles need to be checked and re-checked, and the stirrups adjusted.  If the horse is -ahem- stubborn, you may also need to knee them in the gut to make them exhale the breath they are holding to make the girth too loose.  Then comes the bridle, checking the hooves – OH! and it was summer 10 seconds ago, so you know that horse isn’t wearing ice shoes.  I smell a plot hole.  Still, in my efforts to find some kind of logic in this (hey, its one of my favorite movies, I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt before I call shenanigans).

1. The grooms in the palace in Arendelle are as bored out of their mind as Anna.  After all, there are very few staff and their rulers are hermits.  Not a ton to do.  So, they have invented their own version of either the Olympics, or an elaborate drinking game (same thing, right?).

2. The first groom, let’s call him Larry.  He times Gunter (the other groom) to see how fast they can do all the above steps, and get the horse to the courtyard.  Gunter then times Larry doing the same.  This continues day by day, continually trying to better their time.  And to see how much they can confuse the horses.  Also, you can see how this devolves into a drinking game pretty quickly.

3. This gets boring, so they start inventing new twists to their little game.  Like who can invent the underground elevator to get the horse there the fastest.  Who can create the most ridiculous hair-do for the horse – you see where I’m going with this.  Seriously – what’s with that horse’s hair. . . . I’m off topic.

4. Where does the cloak come from?  Ok, you got me here.  I am going to assume old butler dude just always carries a lady’s cloak with him at all times (even though it was summer 10 seconds ago), because that’s just kind of his thing.  Works for me.

 

So that’s that.  Its the most logic I can come up with to explain the unexplainable.

 

Until next time!

Movie Logic