Quirk & Logic Posts

Recently, I had a text conversation with a friend.  I had sent this great piece from a write I like, Tanya Markul (who goes by the oh-so-awesome moniker Thug Unicorn).

This friend commented that they were sometimes empathetic when they should be cord cutting.  I could almost hear their sigh when they typed, ‘I’m a work in progress.’

That really struck me.  Aren’t we all?  Who do you honestly know who is ‘complete.’  No room for improvement.  No goal to push towards.

How many movies or TV shows have you watched, or (if you’re like me) how many books have you read where the main character just trots through the whole story knowing everything they need to know, making no mistakes, not growing or needing to grow.

That’s one boring story, and off the top of my head I can’t actually think of one.  They might be out there, but let’s face it – no one can relate to that person.  We relate to the struggle.  To the striving.  It is a holy journey.  A quest.  Its Frodo volunteering to take the ring.  Its Harry Potter and the horcruxes.  Its Moana leaving the reef.  Its the Rebels facing off against the Empire.  Those are the parts of the journey we see, and we see the end.  Those are not the ends to their journey.  They move forward.  They know more, they have learned from successes and heartbreak.  They continue on their path, though we might not read or watch those stories.

We are the same.  We might look at a time in our life as an episode or a chapter.  That story had a beginning, a middle, and an end.  But there were things that happened before, and things that happened after.  A work in progress.

A couple of days ago (and a couple of days after this conversation with my friend), I happened to be listening to the radio.  I wasn’t paying a lot of attention, but the radio person said something to the effect of, ‘. . . . trying to do everything and beating themselves up because its not perfect.  Don’t beat yourself up because things aren’t perfect.  Because you are a work in progress.’

You see why I started paying attention?  I had been thinking about that holy journey.  The glorious chaos of being ‘in progress.’

Here’s what struck me.  Essentially, it sounds as if the radio person is suggesting that the reason things aren’t perfect is because you are a work in progress.  Therefore, perfection is the destination.

I disagree.  Ok, in reality I snorted steam out my nose and turned off the radio.  NO!  Perfection is NOT the destination.

Imperfection IS.  Its not a temporary feature of a life.  It IS life.  LIFE IS IMPERFECT.  To me, the ‘work in progress’ is not a journey toward perfection, but a journey to happiness within imperfection.  Its ups and downs.  Easy and hard.  Glorious and heartbreaking.  Sometimes all at once.

THAT made me think of two quotes from two good friends of mine (we’ve never met, but I am just sure we would be good friends if we ever did.)

 

Just because you’re a work in progress, doesn’t mean you aren’t gloriously, imperfectly, wonderfully worthy.

 

Take care my friends,

Kim

 

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Life Logic

Spring is here, as evidenced by the fact that I’ve been wearing my glasses for three weeks so I stop ruining contacts (get a move on your pollinating, trees).  And after the first day and a half of enjoying nice weather without bugs, the bugs arrived as well.

A couple of weeks ago, we went on a family hike.  This is also known as a ‘no we aren’t done yet, and once we’re done we still have to walk all the way back.’  Bonding.  Along the way, we saw some bumblebees.

Um, no.  Not that kind.

Yep, that’s the one.

And that, of course, made me think about all the facts I know about bumblebees.

I only know two facts about bumblebees.

  1. They do not make honey.
  2. Scientists have not yet figured out how they are able to fly.

You see, science cannot (at least not yet) explain how the small wings of a bumblebee are able to carry the large fluffy body in flight.  Similarly, I have not yet been able to figure out how my medium-sized child can eat twice as much as I can.

But I digress.

My point here is this – by all current standards of science, a bumblebee should not be able to fly.  It should be impossible.  Yet, everyone knows they do (seriously – you all know that right?).

And THAT made me think about the fact that so much of what we face in life seems impossible.  No matter who you are, no matter what your strengths, your weaknesses, your barriers, your past – something seems impossible to you.

Its impossible to find time to exercise.

Its impossible to find an extra $100 in the budget.

Its impossible to find a job I love.

Its impossible to believe I will find love (or find it again).

Its impossible to believe I deserve better.

Its impossible to get out of bed.

Its impossible love me anymore than I already love me because I love me the bestest of all (Kanye West- probably).

You see what I’m getting at here? (seriously, you do see what I’m getting at here, right?)

Robert Heinlein said ‘Theoretically, everything is impossible until its done.’  Ok, fair enough, Robert.  I believe that with any ‘impossibility’ – at least any that really resonates with us –  comes pain.  That’s not always a bad thing.  There is pain in realizing something you want feels like it cannot be.  There is often pain in achieving that goal.  So what do we do with it.  Sometimes we just breathe, and we realize that the bravest, strongest thing we can do is sit with that pain.  Survive it in this moment, and the next.  We get stronger.  Strong enough to breathe through the third moment and the one after that.

Glennon Doyle Melton says “When pain knocks on the door, the wise ones breathe deep and say ‘Come in, sit down.  Don’t leave until you’ve taught me what I need to know.'”  That doesn’t mean there are any easy answers.  Sometimes what the pain teaches us is that its time to let go.  Sometimes the pain teaches us to step deeper into the fire.

If we go back to the bumblebees, they also remind us that if we’re going to do impossible things, its better to do them together.  Humans are designed to connect (yes, all of us).  Connection can vary pretty widely, but we are designed to work in collaboration to other humans.  Find your community and your support.

So, yes, there are a great many impossible things out there.  Mt. Everest was impossible until Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay climbed it.  Why did they do it? ‘Because it is there,’ said Hillary.  Totally badass.  I do know that sometimes our Everest is getting out of bed.  Sometimes is trusting someone again.  Sometimes its taking a risk to get to somewhere better.  And those mountains to not feel smaller than Everest.

Trust yourself.  Trust the pain, and learn from it.  Sometimes pain is the fire that burns of everything we thought we were or thought we needed, and leaves behind only the truth.

Find your Sherpa or your hive, and do the impossible.

As Glennon Doyle Melton would say,

Kim

 

Do the like and share thing too, yeah?

Life Logic

Today, I’m going to tell you a short story. 

 

So a girl, about 12 years old, snuck into Wrigley Field when everything was empty (why Wrigley?  Because I’m the one retelling the story, that’s why).  She had her bat and her ball, and she went out onto the field.  She held the ball in one hand, the bat in the other. One of the older guys who cleaned the stands happened to be relaxing in one of the seats and decided to watch.

 

The girl looked at the ball and said ‘I am the greatest baseball player in the WORLD!’  With that, she tossed the ball into the air, and swung her bat with all her might.

And missed.

The girl picked up her ball and said ‘I am the greatest baseball player in the WORLD!’  Again, she threw the ball into the air, and swung her bat.

And missed again.

This went on for some time.  After a while, the gentleman from the stands decided to come down and talk to her.

He said ‘hey kid.   You keep saying ‘I am the greatest baseball player in the WORLD’ but you haven’t hit that ball yet.’

She smiled hugely and said ‘I know – did you see that pitching?!?’

 

Ok – so besides a good chuckle, what am I getting at?  How often in life do we only see the ‘strikes’ or the ‘misses?’  We see what isn’t going well, but sometimes fail to notice what is going well.  Sometimes these are little things – sometimes not so little.  Maybe things aren’t going so well at work, and you’re fighting with your significant other and now your car broke down.  Its easy to look at those legitimate issues and feel like nothing is going right.  Sometimes we need to look a little deeper.  Maybe you haven’t reached for alcohol – which you’ve done in the past.  Maybe you’ve kept this job longer than any other job you’ve had – and even though it’s a little bumpy you are working through it.  Maybe its just that you are taking a deep breath and thinking things through before saying something.  Maybe you’ve chosen not to cut, or gamble, or shop, or use.  Maybe you’ve stood in the middle of your storm and let it rage.  But you stood.

 

You are pitching.  Don’t forget to see the pitches – the things you do that move you forward or keep you going.  If you don’t think you see any – maybe choose one to throw.

 

You got this.  After all, you are the greatest baseball player in the WORLD.

 

Life Logic

Time for a new feature!

I call it Irrationally Strong Opinions.  Now, children, comes the time in our show when I share a personal opinion which is really much stronger than the situation actually warrants.

It seemed only reasonable to start with Irrationally Strong Opinion Category #1: Harry Potter.

(Not to make you all jealous, but I colored this.  By myself.)

See, I’m kind of a fan.  Like, kind of a know-my-official-house (Gryffindor), know-my-official-wand (chestnut and phoenix feather), and know-my-official-patronus (dragonfly – wtf?  That’s a irrationally strong opinion for another day.)

Ok folks.  What do you people have against Ron and Hermione being together, huh?  The majority opinion (probably opinions of a completely rational strength) seems to be that Hermione should have ended up with Harry.  I DISAGREE. I DISAGREE MOST STRENUOUSLY.  I love Ron and Hermione together.  I love Harry and Ginny together.

The biggest thing seems to be that Hermione can’t possibly be happy long-term with Ron, who is not as smart, driven, or ambitious.  And who sometimes says or does stupid things because he has a slightly narrow and comfortable worldview.

Here’s the thing though.  That’s totally logical.  Love isn’t.  Hermione needs Ron as a reminder that simple is often good, necessary.  While its important to fight for what you believe in, to push for better; its equally important to have a home base.  Ron is home base.  He’s not really ambitious.  He grew up in a big, noisy, messy home where everyone loves each other and torments each other.  Where achievements are honored, but are not necessary for acceptance.  A home where money was scarce but family was plentiful.

I’m not saying everything will be easy between them, but it makes perfect sense to me.  And they mean enough to each other to work through the rough patches.  When I first read Harry Potter I was 21.  I saw myself in every aspect of Hermione.  My parents are even dentists! (Ok, that is a total lie, neither of my parents are dentists).

Now, I am older than 21, and have been married for nearly 12 years.  To Ron.  Legitimately.  He’s so Ron.  Doesn’t have red hair (doesn’t have a whole lot of hair anymore.  Sorry honey.).  Does come from a big, loud family where people genuinely like each other.  Being a farm family, during my husband’s childhood there was time when money was somewhat scarce.  But family was strong.

He’s my home base.  I’m the ambitious one.  I’m the driven one.  I’m the take-extra-classes-do-all-the-things-find-extra-hours-in-the-day one.  The under-it-all-still-insecure-one. He’s the reminder to slow down and sit by a bonfire on a summer afternoon, to read a book on the couch on a rainy day, to appreciate the hours in the day instead of trying to find more.  He is not threatened by my intelligence, my ambition, or my drive.  He understands my insecurities. He has his own thing, and he knows its not less than what I have.

So, yeah. Ron and Hermione will be just fine.  Perhaps if Ron remembers to TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE LIKE HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO YESTERDAY, it would help.  Hypothetically.

Since we’re on the Harry Potter kick, here’s one more.

Can we stop with the ‘I want to find someone who loves me like Snape loved Lily.’  No.  Just no.  Because what you are saying is ‘I want someone to love me obsessively but disparage important parts of my life to others when I’m not around.  I want someone who loves me selfishly without concern for what actually makes me happy.’

I can sort of see how that would appeal to a 14 year old.  Let’s aim a bit higher ladies.  Find someone who loves you like Arthur Weasley loves Molly.

 

I’ve got more (so many more).

Stay tuned.  Like and share (then go to my facebook page and like and share that!) to be sure you can stay up to date with my rantings!

Uncategorized

I’d like you to think for a moment about someone you admire for their talent or skill.  Maybe its an artist or a musician.  Maybe an athlete or a writer.

Ok.  I think most of us can appreciate a well-honed craft.  We understand the time and effort it takes to perform that task well.  For some of us (ahem. . .me. . . ahem) there’s just a tiny bit of longing that maybe we don’t have that kind of talent.

Except maybe we do.

As a girl raised on Disney fairy tales and books of medieval fiction, I love me a good castle. 

 

So, picture that grand castle.   It took an amazing amount of artistry, skill, talent, and vision to design and build such a monument.  After all, castles had to be strong and beautiful.  They had to be homes and seats of power.  They had to last.  They were not one-man jobs.

So when you think about it, a castle is really just a well-organized pile of bricks. 

 

Ok – REALLY well organized, but still.

So, a castle needs a brick-layer.  Not a fancy job.  Not shiny.  Not high-paying and well-respected.  Just a job.

After all – how important is one brick in the grand scheme of a whole castle?  I don’t know – but what happens when that one brick is not laid with care?  When it is not placed level, on a good foundation, and in correct position to those around it?  A haphazard brick can bring even the grandest plan down.

But a well-laid brick can be the foundation of something that lasts long after all of us are gone.

Maybe you aren’t the architect of castles.  I know I’m not.  But if we take a step back, we are all part of something greater.  We can each choose to lay our brick with great care, and with great skill.

Maybe we won’t have the glory and riches like Michael Jordan (I stopped watching basketball in high school), or JK Rowling (I’ve admitted my reading problem already), but we can take great care to do whatever task is in front of us with all the skill we have. 

 

And that isn’t less important.

 

 

Life Logic

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I named my dog after Eleanor Roosevelt.  I felt I should give her as much dignity as I could while I had the opportunity.

Today, I decided to interview Eleanor about her life and times.

Me: Hello Eleanor

E: Hi mommy

M: Please sit.  Not on my fee . . . . . .

E: I sit on your feet.

M: Yes I know.

E: Love you Mommy

M: Love you too.  Now, maybe we can talk about the socks in the yard.

E: No thank you.

M: Eleanor, how many pairs of socks did you eat this week?

E: None mommy

M: Eleanor

E: No pairs of socks mommy

M: (sigh) You ate all singles, didn’t you.

E: Maybe a little bit

M:

E: Love you mommy

M:Ok, how about another question.  What’s your favorite toy?

E: Green snaky squeaky.  I kill

M: Yes, you are very fierce.

E: Fierce Eleanor.  Kill snaky squeaky.  Protect family.

M: Will you protect us against other things?

E: Yes Mommy

M: How about cats?

E: No, Mommy.  Cats is scary.

M: Seriously.

E: I want treat bin

M: You don’t have a treat bin

E: Under place with people food dishes

M: We’ve talked about the garbage.

E: Yes.  Want garbage.

M: No garbage.  (blows nose)

E: I have

M: What?

E: I have

M: No, you may not have my tissue, that’s gross.

E: I have

M: Do you purposely push down as hard as you can when you put your head on my knee?

E: Yes Mommy

M: And why?

E: Love you mommy

M: Love you too Eleanor.  No you may NOT have the tissue.

E: Go walk

M: You want to go for a walk?

E: YES!!!!  YES YES YES!!!

M: Are we going to get a block from home and you are going to sit down on the sidewalk and refuse to move?

E: No Mommy

M: Eleanor.  Perhaps I should reference ‘every walk we’ve taken in the past month.’

E: Love you mommy.

M: (sigh).  I guess we’ll sign off from here.  Who is a good girl?

E: I am a good girl mommy. Go lay bright shiny.

M: Yes     you are.  Go lay bright shiny.

Quirky Thoughts

My Fellow Americans.

That sounds appropriate today, doesn’t it.  Portentous.  Let’s roll with this.

My Fellow Americans,

Today some of you celebrate.  Some shake your heads.  Some are afraid.

You are afraid that the person holding the highest office in our country has publicly said he will not stand for you.  He has mocked you and your cause.  He chooses to incite fear and division.

And around the country we hold our collective breath.  What are we going to do?

As Glennon Doyle Melton would say, ‘Fear is not the boss of us.  Love is the boss of us.’

The power of this country does not rest in the hands of one man, not even that man.  We are the country.  We are the immigrants and the children of children of immigrants.  We hold different faiths – many times those faiths having more in common than not.  We love differently, but the LOVE is the same love.  Our skin looks different, but our hearts beat the same.

That thing you love, that you passionately defend?  It did not go away.  Yes, you hoped for a leader who would help support that cause, and it may not be the man elected.

Here is the real power, my friends.  Its you.  No great change ever happened in this country only because the president wanted it.  We did it.  The country fought a war with itself over the right for slaves to be free.  Women fought to vote.  Black Americans fought for equality.  Individuals with disabilities fought to be included.  LGBTQ individuals fought to marry.  Fought for the love of the cause, the belief that it was necessary, and in truth, the love of this country.  To make it the best version of itself.

Those were our voices.  The voices of everyday Americans who decided they would not remain silent.  They would not hope that 4 years from now a better leader would come.  They didn’t limit themselves to the comment sections of internet posts (legitimately most of them never heard of the internet, but you know where I’m going).

They stood.  They fought.

So fight.  But fight fair.  When we attack and degrade and vandalize, we become everything the opposing view claims we are.  As Michelle Obama said, ‘When they go low, we go high.’

Fight fair.  Fight with facts (real facts, not internet facts – do your homework).  Calm, prepared, firm arguments are generally harder to dismiss than the blustering noise trying to drown you out.  Fight in the right arena.  Your battle is not in the comment section of a twitter feed.  Its face to face, talking with people.  Sharing your story, finding your fellows.  Getting so much (correct) information out there that you overpower the lies.

That is the real America.

Decide what you won’t give up on.  Then fight for it.

Its the American thing to do.

Life Logic

This is the twelfth day I must call myself ‘unemployed.’  Here are somethings I’ve learned:

  • I do not like dusting any more when I do, in fact, have time to do it.
  • When actively working on learning to ‘slow down’ – I will, in fact, choose to shampoo the carpets over sitting on the couch.
  • Digging through layers of stress and years of ingrained strategies to cope with stress is hard.

My goal during this time (although I understand it may be cut short by the need to obtain an interim job), was to stop the ‘do all the things today.’

(actual photo of me)

 

I remembered what it was like to curl up on the couch with a book and a blanket, in front of the fireplace.  To sit and read and escape ‘all the things’ for just a little while.  Reading is one of my great joys.

So I pictured taking the kids to school, walking the dog, getting in a workout – then spending an hour or two reading and (gasp) relaxing.  If only to remember how.  Get the kids from school, prepare them a healthy snack, and then start working on supper.

What I have learned is that remembering the process of relaxing is not as easy as doing it.  Its realizing that my brain has been set on ‘high alert’ for about nine or 10 years, and there has never been enough time to get everything done.  Sometimes there isn’t enough time to get the important stuff done.  There have been a lot of nights up until midnight over the years to try to be everything to everyone.

The reality is that it was never about the time.  It was always about me.  It was always about the pressure I put on myself to ‘do all the things.’  Having more time is not the answer.

Its about me and my brain.  Its about learning that my value in life is not the number of things I make.  Not in how clean my house is, or what I’ve named my dust bunnies.  My value does not rest on what I provide to others.

This is a tough one.  This learning to embrace the fact that you have value simply by being.  I’ve told countless people that over the years and I’ve never once believed it about myself.  The world has given me countless reasons not to believe it.

For a long time I’ve believed that real meaning is to find meaning (If you want to read an amazing book on the subject, I would suggest ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ by Viktor Frankl).  I have interpreted this to mean that while circumstances do sometimes just happen, my responsibility is to figure out what I am supposed to learn from the experience.  It is often easier to see looking back, so I rest in the confidence that I am on the right road and future me will look back on a path that ended up making perfect sense.

As every journey must start with a single step, so must this.  My goal today is to spend a single hour resting, reading, refreshing my spirit.  Without guilt or shame.  Without worrying about what I should be doing to benefit others.  My goal today is to spend that single hour reminding myself that the love, respect, and regard I hold for every member of God’s creation might just apply to me to.

 

Wish me luck.

Kim

Life Logic

Fun fact: I love Eleanor Roosevelt.  That was a lady ahead of her time.  I would have voted for her for president in a heartbeat.  Except she’s dead, and didn’t run for president (even as a zombie).

I still would have voted for zombie Eleanor Roosevelt. I even named my dog after her.

She was a smart, strong-willed lady, and I admire that.  Seriously – go and google ‘Eleanor Roosevelt Quotes,’  I’ll wait here . . . . . .

Ok, I’m not good at waiting.  She said stuff like this:

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.”

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

“I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.”

“Light a candle instead of cursing the darkness.”

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa now Eleanor.  Let’s check in on that last one.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  If that’s true, why do we have so many inferior-feeling people?  Who on earth would consent to feeling ‘less-than.’

The reality is that we humans are all too susceptible to our fellow humans.  We toss out sayings like “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” and in doing so subtly blame everyone who life has beaten down.

The fact of the matter is, if you are told you are inferior, or that you don’t matter, often enough – you will believe it.  True, some people have a stronger fortitude, more resilience, against that message – but everyone has a limit.  Anyone survivor of abuse (physical, sexual, psychological, emotional) could tell you the same.  So many people with the same message, ‘I felt like I was nothing.’

We aren’t just talking about abuse here.  Take a look at the media, and the messages sent to all of us globally.  Beautiful, healthy women are told they are inferior if they dare to wear larger than a size 4.  Even models will talk about hating their bodies, because all they hear about is how this part or that part isn’t quite right.

People of color, the LGBTQ population, persons with disabilities, other minorities have dealt with this for decades.  Being ‘less than.’  Inferior.

We do it – all the time.  We fat shame, we mom shame, we glamorize toxic masculinity.  We are constantly firing our ‘inferiority gun.’

So, yes, you can be made to feel inferior – and it sure as hell isn’t because you consented.

Here’s the good news.  You aren’t.  Please listen.  Please repeat.  You. Are. Not. Inferior.

And you are NOT to blame for feeling like you were.

So, Eleanor Roosevelt, I love you but you had this one wrong.  Its time for a new version.

‘Most of us know what it means to feel inferior.  We must learn to see one another, value one another, and celebrate the beauty of one another.  We must reach out to every ‘inferior’ person and show them love.  The only way we rise is together.’ – Kim Burlage

 

 

Life Logic

I wrestled with this for a while.  I wasn’t sure what to say – whether to say anything.  The reality is, though, that to hide is to be ashamed, and I won’t be ashamed.

Today is Day 1.  For the first time in my adult life, I am unemployed.

I had the good (?) fortune to have known this was coming since late October.  Time to get my head around it.  Here’s the short version: Reorganization, eliminated position, opportunity to apply for a position that was truly not a good fit for me.  Hit me like a freight train.  Then this occurred to me.  When my husband was laid-off about 8 years ago, we look back on that as the best thing that could have happened to him (although it certainly did not feel like it at the time).

Well, this doesn’t feel so great either, but I have decided its the best thing that could have happened to me.  A couple of weeks ago I wrote a letter to the universe.  I really didn’t think I would publish it here, but I have decided to.

Dear Universe,

 Is this a test?  Because it kind of feels like you are testing me. 

I think about the last five years or so when I started to feel like maybe I needed to move in a new direction.  I think of opportunities that fell through.  When they did, I put more energy back into my work, seeking a way to make more of a difference.

I started feeling dissatisfied with the limits on how to do that work, like the demands of others (reasonable or not), restrictions of funding, and others.

I took on new challenges and learned new things.  I still felt that itch, but I was doing good work.  Then the itch grew bigger and became more insistent.  Another opportunity fell through.  And I knew.

I knew it was time to make the big change.  To leave organized employment and set out on my own.  Not yet, though, because I still didn’t know exactly how to do what I wanted to do.

I wanted to help people heal.  I’d spent two years at that point researching trauma and its long-term effects.  I’d seen first hand the struggles of those who had not gotten sufficient support.  I was beginning to explore energy work.  I liked talking people through finding creative solutions to problems.  Yet, I knew becoming a licensed therapist was not my path.

Somewhere along the way, my inner self had gotten tired of being pushed aside to make room for logic, the world, and everything else.  My inner self started speaking up, and for once, I started listening.  Within 2 days I had made the decision to become a massage therapist, open my own business, and develop a protocol to reintegrate touch to those who struggle with it due to trauma.  I could use massage to help anyone who needed it, to calm the body and mind.  I could do energy work.  I could be a life coach.

It all fell into place.  I could take classes part-time for a year and continue my full-time work.  Work I was good at.  Work that paid bills and allowed for a few extras.

I had to wait a year to begin classes.  The timing was just a little off. So I waited, and though the itch continued to grow, I did my good work.

I started classes.  I juggled.  I stretched.  I was tired and a little overwhelmed.  But I managed.  I am good at managing things.

I figured I would graduate next August and start to build my business on evenings and weekends.  I would be tired and a little overwhelmed for a while longer.  I would juggle.  I would keep doing good work at my job and I would build my new career.  My new purpose.

I figured maybe by the following January, if I was lucky (and worked hard enough), my business would be viable to go full-time.  If not, I would continue a while longer.

Here is where you stepped in, Universe.  You see, I am really good at planning.  I need to plan.  I don’t like unknowns.

Then I was told there was no more job.  Not after the end of December anyways.  There would be a different job, and I could apply for that if I wanted to.

Except I didn’t.  That inner self looked at me and said, ‘please, no.  This is not our path.’

I felt like I was standing on glass over a deep pit.  A safety net had been offered, a chance to continue earning a steady wage.  It was the safe choice.

And it was the wrong choice.  Wrong for me.  It wasn’t the work I was driven to, that I had been pouring myself into.  It wasn’t work I felt good at.  It wasn’t work I felt I could do and be well.

I waivered.  I crave safety and predictability.  I need it.  Logic and order. 

But now safe and logical didn’t feel safe.  It wasn’t ‘safe’ to my inner self.  It was a sacrifice.

I’m willing to make sacrifices, to make hard choices.  But this time it felt like I was sacrificing the well-being of my innermost self.  And I stopped.  I couldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t.

I went ’round and ’round with ‘but what will happen’ if we step off the safe and predictable path.

And that’s when I felt it.  I felt you, Universe, grip me by the shoulders, and with a little shake say ‘Will you just trust me this one time.’

You know, trust is not something I naturally do.  I thought back to the single other time I decided to let go and trust you Universe.  And I married him.  And he is the best man in the world.

So ok, Universe – if this is a test – Challenge Accepted.

Let’s do this.

 

So, today is Day 1

It is Day 1 of my new career and my new business.

It is Day 1 of my future.

It is Day 1 of me learning to love and honor myself.

It is Day 1 of me learning to listen to that ‘still, small voice’ inside.

It is Day 1 of me reminding myself that life is not a dress rehearsal.  We have one chance to make it count.

It is Day 1 of the next chapter.

 

Carpe Diem.

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