An Average Iowa Farmer on ‘The Bachelor’

Let me start by saying I have never seen ‘The Bachelor.’  Not even one episode.  Not even one part of one episode.  If you are a fan – have fun, its just not my thing.  I do see commercials, so I figure I’ve got the gist of it.

Now, there’s a lot of kerfuffle about the fact that the current ‘Bachelor’ is a farmer from Iowa.  Super.  And since we all know that the best way to find true love is a televised game show where the contestant dates multiple individuals in front of their competitors, you can see why the couples have been so successful.

Wait, what?  Who decided this was a good idea?

My husband is not a farmer, but he did grow up on a farm, doing farmer-y stuff (and that occurred in Iowa), so I’m going to use him as a reference.

This is my imaginary version of what an average Iowa farmer would be like on ‘The Bachelor.’  Ok, so its really ‘what would my husband have been like on ‘The Bachelor.’ If he was not married to me, which he is.’

Producer: ‘Ok, Matt.  We’ve got 25 ladies here who will be competing to win your heart.  You’ll get to know them a little bit, eliminate them, and then propose to the final remaining lady.’

Matt: ‘Propose?  As in marriage?  How many months am I going to be on this show?’

Producer: ‘Its just a few weeks.  Actually, we already have someone picked out for you.  Just play along.’

Matt: ‘My mother put you up to this, didn’t she?’

Producer: ‘Um, no.  Its just how we make the show.’

Matt: ‘Ok, lets get this over with.’

The ladies arrive, each desperate to get her face on camera to launch her ‘acting’ career get a rose and eventually win Matt’s heart.  They make bad jokes and wear painful-looking shoes.  The smell of perfume and hairspray becomes overwhelming.

Matt: ‘Thank you all for coming!  Excuse me a moment.’

(to producer): ‘Psst.  Hey.’

Producer: ‘What?  You’re in the middle of your initial meeting.’

Matt: ‘How many of these people do I have to keep around?’

Producer: ’15’

Matt: ‘No way – did you meet them?  They won’t stop smiling.  Four of them think I raise potatoes.  I’m pretty sure at least half were trying to get a whiff to see if I smell bad.  And what’s with the shoes???’

Producer: ‘Fine.  You can pick 10, as long as these three are in the mix.’

Matt: ‘Why?  That one won’t stop giggling, and that red-head seems to think EVERYONE smells bad.’

Producer: ‘Its good TV, just do as you’re told, you’ve got a contract.’

Matt returns to the ladies and hands out roses to the ones he thinks he can stand another few days.  He surreptitiously attempts to hide one of his 10 roses, but the producer gives him the stink-eye, so he hands it out to Annoying Giggler.

Fast forward to group date.  Matt is hanging out with 6 ladies, including the three the producer told him he was contractually obligated to include.  The producers suggested a trip to Bermuda.  Matt stood firm, and set up a bonfire and hayride.  After enduring several hours of complaints about dust and chaffing, Matt launches into a series of stories about adventures in hay baling.  The ladies do not seem impressed by exactly where chaff can become lodged, or in what color your phlegm turns. 

Lady #1: ‘What’s that smell?’

Matt: ‘Fresh cut alfalfa.  Best smell in the world.’

Lady #2: ‘Is that the grassy sort of smell?  Yuck.  What on earth is that stink?’

Matt: ‘Smell of money.’

Lady #2: ‘Come again?’

Lady #6: giggles

Matt (rolls eyes, takes deep breath): ‘Its cow manure.’

Lady #3: ‘Ew!  Why is it everywhere?  How does anyone stand the smell?’

Matt: ‘Uh, ok, biology lesson.  Cattle eat.  Cattle poop.  Actually, Everybody Poops.  My nephew has a book – you can look at it. ‘

Later, at the bonfire, three ladies appear to be jockeying for snuggling position.  One decides to flatter Matt. 

Lady #4: ‘So, you must build up some great muscles with all this physical work.’

Matt: ‘I dunno, I guess.  Its a lot of driving machinery, trying not to get kicked by a steer, and keeping the manure out of your mouth when you’re cleaning the yard.’

Lady #5: ‘Oh, you cannot be serious.  Manure in your mouth?  You are joking, that never happened to you.’

Matt: ‘It happens to everyone, regularly.’

Lady #6: giggles

Snuggle time over.  Matt congratulates himself, but gets the hairy-eyeball from the producers.

Matt has been reminded he is contractually obligated to charm these ladies.  A cocktail party has been arranged with the final 4 and Matt’s friends and family.  The producer has taken to locking up the roses prior to elimination, as Matt keeps claiming he can’t find half of them. 

The ladies crowd around Matt, trying to win points. 

Matt: ‘So, are you ladies having a good time?’

Lady #1: ‘Oh, its so nice to meet your friends.  I think I fit in so well with them.  You’ll love California, where I live.  You’ll be so enchanted you’ll want to move there immediately!’

Lady #2: ‘Why is everyone laughing so loud?’

Matt: ‘I believe they are having fun.’

Lady #3: ‘I asked for champagne at the bar, but that guy just looked at me funny.’

Lady #4: giggles

Matt (taking deep breath): ‘Hey!  Stay right here.’

Lady #1: ‘Why?’

Matt: ‘Cause I’m going to go over there.’

Producer: ‘What are you doing? Go be charming’

Matt: ‘The most charming I can be at the moment is absent.  Seriously, if you think I’m going to marry one of these people, you’re nuts.’

Producer: ‘What’s the big deal?  They’re gorgeous and want to marry you.’

Matt: ‘Rather be single.  I’m just going to yell ‘Plot Twist!’ and then run away, ok?’

Producer: ‘NO!’

Matt: ‘Plot Twist!’

And then Matt ran off into the sunset to get the last of the expensive perfume smell out of his nose.  As he breathed in the smell of alfalfa and manure, he decided to reconsider that girl he met who said she could beat him in arm wrestling.

 

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