To be fair, I don’t really feel like writing my autobiography. It would be pretty awesome, but I would probably get distracted by how much awesomer it could have been, and then would get off track.
Instead, I decided to write the Table of Contents for my autobiography.
Chapter 1: Fat Babies are the Cutest – right?
Chapter 2: Potting Soil Does NOT Taste Like Crushed Oreos.
Chapter 3: The Unfortunate Combination of Clumsiness and Cacti.
Chapter 4: Fun Fact – Hot Dogs Make Me Projectile Vomit
Chapter 5: So Does Broccoli.
Chapter 6: Santa’s Handwriting Looks Awfully Familiar.
Chapter 7: Which Contains the Embarrassing Incident of Incontinence.
Chapter 8: I am the Butt of Many Jokes.
Chapter 9: Middle School and High School: a Haiku
Chapter 10: Sorry That Sounded Awkward. I am Awkward.
Chapter 11: What Happens at Boy Scout Camp Stays At Boy Scout Camp.
Chapter 12: I Realize I Have No Idea About Fashion.
Chapter 13: I Watch a Lot of ‘What Not To Wear’ Because I am a Problem-Solver.
Chapter 14: [Chapter Missing]
Chapter 15: I Win My Future Husband’s Heart by Telling Him About the Time Harrison Ford Had Diarrhea.
Chapter 16: Building Tiny People!
Chapter 17: Can This Wait Until I am Done Pooping?
Chapter 18: I Convince My Children That The Reason Chapter 14 is Missing is Because I Was a Frog For a While.
Chapter 19: Why is Everything I Own Covered in Hair?
Chapter 20: In Which I Buy a Purse and Solve My Existential Crisis.
Chapter 21: PLOT TWIST!
Chapter 22: I Go Insane and Make SO MANY CHICKEN NUGGETS.
Chapter 23: Licensed Medical Professional (Insert Maniacal Laugh).
Chapter 24: Kim 2.o
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